Title is directly stolen from the book by Heather Bohlender. And the best advice she gave me was, blog honestly. Completely, whole-heartidly, at the time, honestly! So here goes...
Miserable....shocking. That is NOT how an SM is suppose to feel right?.....right.
This whole experience of the start of my SM year has left me with a lot of realizations, fears, failures, and overall has left me with an insurmmountable strenght I could have never claimed before this year (not gained on my own that's for sure).
I want to scream and shout and tell everyone that my SM expereience is not
NORMAL! I've been uprooted, moved, beaten, abused by "christian" authority and then expected just to have a great year somewhere I didn't choose to go, doing the opposite of what I was doing and loving! Well then I can turn around and can see that every SM struggles. None of us are Super SM but I think we all expect ourselves to be. No one says what they are really feeling or thinking. Of course questioning and struggling would be wrong....After all we are SM's. Wrong! We are human. We need to think of ourselves every once in a while. I use to think that this year was now all about being miserable and saying that I was serving in the process. I feel wrong if I start to work on "me" or even start to question my spirituality. This year is about service but what about me? Since when did I get lost in all this mess?
The advice I've been given is usually very positive and uplifting and has gotten me through many late nights of tears and questions and early mornings of fear and trembling. Through this entire expereience I think the greatest lesson learned was that this world is
full of sin and even when pain arrives at your front door and creeps into heart that does not equal the absence of God. I had this idea that I didn't even know I was keeping that if God really loved me He would keep me protected from pain and suffering however in the past 3 months I have seen that that concept could not be any further from the truth. While I am still continuing to learn, grow and forgive I can still say that God has not abandoned me. When it seemed like every single person on this earth could not understand my situation (except Britt) or become to busy for my cries, He must have heard them. And then I also look back and say that I have been so supported all along, these friends and family have not forgotten me. In fact I've had a loyal few by my side, emailing, mailing, talking, praying through this all none stop. No I do not feel peace. No I cannot say that I am happy or content but I wake up every morning, still walking, still moving, still
BREATHING. And I vowed I would NEVER say this but if thats the only evidence I have of Him, then I guess I'll cling to that for dear life. My aunt has been sending me encouragments everyday and I have been saving each and every one of them on my computer. One of them says "When you're down to your last hold, keep holding on, even if it's just by your pinky." So most of the time it seems like I'm not even holding on anymore, I guess my pinky is still holding up:)
The most frequent piece of advice I've heard is "
Sophie, stop trying so hard. Just let go."
Really?! seriously? That is so abstract. If I don't try anymore then I will literally sink so low there's no coming back up. How can I just stop trying? Because to be completely honest there is no esxtatic, extacy of feeling in devotions, or anything sometimes. That makes me sound so wrong! How can an SM not be ABSOTULEY on fire for their relationship with God? I feel ashamed to say it. But guess what? One other thing I've learned is that I am SO HUMAN. I've never been so broken down, so low before in my life. Only to see that I am not perfect. And my faith has never been based on anything but ideas and happy concepts. Having to go through that humilation of false accusations and pointing fingers from "christians" is painful beyond words and embarrasing. If you've been in a situation where rumors spread like wildfire about you and you know in your heart they are so wrong and that everyone seems to be jumping to conclusions miles away, nothing you can do about it is heart breaking. Its so frusterating but it comes back to a verse I heard that says "Leave revenge up to God. He has justice in His hands." So yes, while the rumors hurt and the understand that those people don't understand really hurts, all I have to hold on to is that I know my heart, I know me, they don't and God will take care of the rest.
There have been countless nights of laying on my bed. Palms up, absolutely flat out on my back, tears pouring down my cheeks just crying out to the ceiling. I say the ceiling cause it literally felt like my prayers only reached that far and just came bouncing back, weighing heavy on my chest. I have never felt so alone in my life. So rejected and alone. So advice to myself. This is a part of growing up. I am not coming back from this year the same person. Impossible.
So now that I've rambled and don't feel like I've even scratched the surface or got out HALF of what I thought about today I'll end it for the night. To a new day tomorrow, to start it all over again.
