Office work and Volleyball

Today was rough. Beginning with a 7:00 speed shower (cause it's soo cold) and we have NO HOT/even warm/ water. Its takes a little self pep talk before I even step into the shower in the mornings just to get me through the next 10 minutes or so. Even though it's EXTREMELY hot here the mornings don't bring about much love for the cold water. I quickly got ready for another morning in the office. I started in there on monday and as overwhelming as it was with everything to keep track of and remember I definitely did not find it as draining or emotionally&physically exhausting as teaching grade 3 all morning like I had been for the past three or so weeks. It's a constant battle with them and I would rather be annoyed by the alarm in the office every 30 minutes telling me to go ring the bell rather than constantly be telling Raijan or Joash to be sitting down and closing their mouths EVERY 30 seconds! Its a different kind of stress in the office. And i'm not exactly where my place is yet or what is expected of me but I hope I learn. Time, time, time. Seems to be all I base anything on here. Give it time. Well honestly I hope time passes quickly. I have a countdown to my departure. 35 weeks give or take. Anyways so after my shower I realized that Pamela was not up for the morning in the third grade classroom. She had taught the full day on monday but had probably overdone it and had a rough and painful night so she asked if I could take the third graders in the morning. When I went to tell Andrea this I found out from Lorraine that Andrea was sick too and was probably going to take the morning off from the office. "Oh great!" I thought "Here we go again, except now two are down and out". So I took the third graders and tried to get them to focus all morning on their exam review since their first quarter exams start tomorrow. We'll see how good of a job I did in following Pam's lesson plan when she tests them tomorrow in class......

Today was proably one of my hardest days in PE and conicidentally the hottest. There is no covered gym or even a resemblence of a gym here in Yap. Its just an open court on a raised hill (which is REALLY annoying for retrieving volleyballs and basket balls all the time!!) So just fighting the heat was hard enough. I had the sophmores and freshman today. They are a tough bunch. The freshman are still learning that they are in High school now and the sophmores are just........well they are just them. I wanted to start three man volleyball with them so I made teams on the weekend and set up a tournoment style play hoping to give them something to enjoy and some healthy competition. Well they all had their own opinions and a lot to say about how much they didn't like this three man volleyball stuff. They said it in a different way of course. After a while I just gave up and blew my whistle and kept score and stopped trying to yell over them or teach them anything new. Sometimes they can blatantly and not really care. Its hard enough for me to maintain any form of control outside but there are somedays that they really just let me know that they want to go back to their old style of PE where their homeroom teachers would let them just go play whatever they wanted. Now they have to learn about the sport, take quizzes and do occasional projects and they are so unmotivated its extremely difficult to go against the only way they've ever known. At first it was new and exciting but now they are very hard to get moving and I'm starting to give up. I had this big plan for them, to teach them everything they want to know about sports. To make PE fun. But I think i've failed. They don't enjoy what I plan and some of them refuse to participate. Its so hot sometimes I don't blame them for just sitting down in the middle of the court and wanting to lie down. There is sweat constantly dripping down my legs, back and arms (weird). I had never sweat from my arms before I came here. And of course I burn, very midly, almost every day. .....

I got a package from southern today! Tears streaming down my cheeks as I read all the notes from those back in Tennesse at my beloved school. Tears for two reasons. one is that I miss southern so much. I miss studying (I know crazy idea right to miss studying!) but once you've been a teacher for two months you start to see how much easier it is to be a student. and number 2 reason is that I know a lot of them will not be there when I get back. Graduating, moving on up to bigger and better things. But I still have my time to do at Southern. (ps I got the joker too. Time to sit down and scan it:) The other girls were dissing southern a bit and boy did I want to tell them off. Southern is my pride and joy but I guess that's how it is for everyone and their own schools.

I guess that's where my day ends. Changed my room around so hope I can sleep.

One word: Coby:(

I have only slept about 8 hours in the last 48 hours. Why? One word: Coby. Friday started out like any

other day. Dragging myself out of bed, dreading yet another cold shower and feeling like someone was kneading my gut with their bare hands to start another day. I finish my shower, get ready for school and pull myself together one more time to walk out the door to staff worship. I didn’t think much of this morning except that the phrase “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” kept running through my head over and over. Seems to be a common occurrence lately. Live for the weekend, yet then the weekend is usually my hardest times. When things slow down from the week, when I have time to stop and think, it all comes flooding back. Silence is pains best friend. Anyways so I begin class like any other morning “goodmorning grade 3.” I try to say in my cheeriest voice. A garbled mess of answers is screamed back at me. Then there’s a knock at the door. Now usually my students just walk right in, announce their arrival, happy that they are late and noisily take their seat. So I was a bit surprised to hear the knock.
When I opened it up what I saw took a few seconds to register. There was Sheldon, one of my third grade sutdents whith andrea (our school registrar) right behind him. In his raised up hand he held a little pathetic, black, flea infested ball of fur……a puppy. I just stood there speechless and at first I thought “Oh he’s just bringing it for show and tell.” But the way he pushed it towards me with the smile of his face let me know this was a gift, not be shown or returned. Well I couldn’t keep it in class so Andrea took it back to her apartment, put it in a Rubbermaid box with a towel and her frog prince charming and a bowl of milk. During recess I walked up to the apartment to go check on him. Having only had him for about 2 hours I had already made up my mind that he was going back with Sheldon at the end of the day. I cannot raise a puppy, which is pretty much like having a baby plus be here as an SM. Too much work and I would have to give up A LOT of what keeps me going here (exercise and run whenever I want, sleep which is essential but hasn’t really been happening since I arrived here in Yap). He was crying at the top of his lungs when I got there into the apartment. I decided to ask the other girls what they thought and of course they all thought he was absolutely adorable. So he didn’t end up going home with Sheldon. I knew if he took him back home that this puppy would be thrown into the jungle to fend for itself and either make it as a street dog (dying early from worms and diseases) or die. Ask me this morning after having spent the last day with him (night and morning) I would have disregarded that and hoped that the rumors weren’t true.

Talking to my parents last night I realized some things. When I plan for something and then plans are

instantly changed I don’t deal very well. I can’t seem to find the patience for anything anymore. Everything seems to tick me off and I hate that. This isn’t me. I wasn’t like this before. I stayed in the apartment with Pamela this morning cause she needed to stay back from church cause she was in so much pain last night having to sit through vespers after surgery. I am ashamed to say I also stayed home from vespers last night cause I was feeling so out of it, stomach cramps, nauseated and a headache. I succumbed to the I had a whole speech prepared for when the other girls got home how it was a mistake to keep this puppy, how I didn’t want to raise it for the next 10 weeks till it would stop crying at night, how its hard enough just to be here let alone have to raise this child basically. I have been taking care of it since its got here Friday morning and I am already exhausted and want to give him back. I can’t seem to imagine another night like last night when I’m already tired from the week and then to be up every hour trying to figure out what this animal wants as he cries and cries and cries. Brittany told me last night when we were talking about how he probably has worms and that if he has crust in his eyes this morning he probably has some kind of infection. Sure enough add to his list of fleas, worms now we can place, infection/disease. I wouldn’t have made it through last night without britt’s suggestion of the warm oven mitt. She even talks me through my problems even when we are miles, worlds, oceans apart. That’s a part of why Pohnpei was so amazing. I had my best friend there RIGHT by myside to talk me through it, to comfort me when I wondered if I was really making a difference there, to hang out with, to always know I had someone who would listen to my stupid, petty problems. Now I have to wait till a set time and hope that internet is good to be able to talk to MY BEST FRIEND! that's not right when it was our RIGHT to have a year as friends to serve. But apparently our rights don't matter. Nothing we say matters. I can face anything in life when I have my best friend beside me and nothing seems impossible. She knows exactly what to say everytime no exceptions. So now I'm left with hearing her advice over a crackly, muffled, only works sometime computer screen. misery. So my only life saver was heating up a oven mitt and putting that beside him. It worked a few times to get him back to sleep but then it would only stay warm for about 1 min and then next time he woke up he would freak out again. Of course when the other girls got back from church, Coby turns into a silence angel and sleeps like a rock. I couldn’t get more than 30min in before he was crying again. They suggested we take shifts but all that keeps running through my head is “Sophie, you need to get a grip on this situation, on yourself. You need sleep.” We all need sleep. School/teaching exhausts us enough and now to think every three nights I become a full‐fledged mother. Is this punishment for waking my mom up every night till I was like 10? (she would probably say it was till I was 14):P Lol In any case this just seems to add to everything else and when normally I would LOVE TO have a puppy and he IS really cute but I can’t say I am ready for this right now.
I am reading a book "Overcoming your emotions" that my aunt sent me in one of her AWESOME packages:) and it was saying how you can begin to shut down in emotional situations or problems. I can see that in BOTH myself and Brittany this year. Just waiting, going through each day to get it over with, not talking with anyone, waiting to be able to say, I hop on a plane and leave tomorrow with a smile on my face. The honeymoon phase of my SM year is definintely over, but not by my choice but by Pohnpei's choice.

plain and simple

I miss my Best Friend. Should have posted this five weeks ago

earthquakes and volleyball

All that went through my mind was...."Is this going to get worse?" with Sabrina clinging to my arm we waited for the shaking to subside but it didn't. Finally when things began to click I realized we probably shouldn't be standing/surfing on our apartment porch while the earthquake got worse. Andrea came running right behind us, we probably shouldn't be up here guys! That's when my feet became unglued from my current location on the moving deck and began to run for the stairs.

Just experienced my first yappese earthquake plus 30min later a small aftershock. I don't think it has even sunk in yet that I was really in that. You never think you'll ever go through one of those and when some kind of scary event does take place in your life it takes a while for it to really sink in. All of us just stood outside trying to regain our composure after it happened. Lorraine had just woken up to dishes falling in her apartment, some of the other teachers were out by the shop. The prinicpal grabbed up his kids and we were standing outside our apartment. It seemed to be a flurry of talking and amazement. Had that really JUST happened. The only picture that kept going through my head was looking out into our backyard and seeing the cocunut trees swaying back and forth and feeling like my knees were going to give out. Earlier today I was thinking how I wanted to blog about my juniors/sophmore epic volleyball game but my focus all of a sudden shifted to the latest expereience. Rychelle looked it up online and found out that we were the epicenter here in Yap of a 5.8 earthquake with a small aftershock. I decided I wanted to go for a run to get rid of some of the adreniline only to get caught by the middle school for the aftershock. However a fraction of the size still the same feeling of fear gripped me as I wondered where to go and questioning whether this one would grow too. We all like to have control. Control of our lives, control of our surrondings and when all of a sudden control is taken out of your hands completely we realize that this life isn't ours. It can be gone in a second, so what have we done today to make a difference? I asked my health classes last friday "If you were to die tonight, what would you do today?" I had some classic answers of, "go have fun, skydive, do everything i've wanted to do, party, say goodbye to all my family." But one anwer I go really made me think and it came back to my mind after this earthquake fiasco. One of my students said "Nothing, I already try to live everyday to the fullest." So how am I living my life? What if that earthquake had been my last. Would I be ready....? It makes me look around me deeply, at the people in my life, at my situation. I can't say that I've reached any form of comfort or even close to being secure here in Yap. I still wake up with that sick feeling of having to spend the next 8 months here, I still cry myself to sleep somenights and look away at the sight of new Pohnpei pictures on facebook but it gives you another thought. Gives me another thought. Maybe it's just getting through today that matters and looking back saying, at least I tried.....

It feels like Chaos

Music helps.
I cling to the words of these songs.

Healer - you hold my every moment. you CALM my raging sea. you walk WITH ME through FIRE and heal all my disease. I trust in You. Lord I trust in you. I believe you're my healer. I believe you are all I need. I believe you're my portion. I believe you're more than enough for me. 

From my aunt today:
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

I had a really good talk with Kristie Cain today. We had never really hung out at Southern that much but I had always admired her care and positive attitude for all of us who worked for her on the fitness floor (she was our manager:) She just randomly came on facebook and said Hi. It was nice talking with her and we got into what was going on in our lives at the moment. I realized, hearing her struggles as well, that I have been so internally focused that I can't even see those struggling around me. Sometimes all I can see is my pain. But I have so much support, so many prayers, so many people I want to let them know how much they mean to me for taking the time to contact me. We decided to keep eachother accountable. I hope that I can keep this. I know that these days when I can take a step back and see a bigger pictures are few and very far between but I have to cling to them. When my vision is blurred by tears, I still read the facebook messages and emails, I still see the links on my wall from those who care. I mention to her that I was kind of upset that we didn't get to really become friends at Southern but she just said "God puts people in our lives at the time that we need them the most. Maybe this was our time." She is so right. I can say "I wish this, or I wish that had happened sooner, or in this situation I really wish this hadn't have happened" but God knows....I type that with hesitation and fear. But it's true. he does. So to those who have taken the time out of their busy schedules and lives to message me, even just a phrase or picture, to let me know they are praying for me, I can't thank you enough. YOU are the reason I am still here, still fighting everyday, still serving in Yap.

I tried this in Pohnpei too. I wanted to keep track of everything! have a prayer journal, a journal, a blog, a prayer list, make new traditions, keep a list of what I get from people, to stay in touch. Its overhwhelming and now I don't have my best friend Britt to help me:(

Rumors

Define: ru·mor/ˈro͞omər/
"a piece of unverified information of uncertain origin usually spread by word of mouth"

This has got to be the most hurtful message I've ever recieved. People from the place that you absolutely love are spreading rumors, not just any rumor, but absolutely obserd and extremely untrue "rumors" about myself, brittany, this SM situation... I can't even pathom why someone would start that thought. It literally tears my heart out to think people are actually talking about us like that. They have no idea. Aboslutly no idea of what happened. how can people be so blind? how could someone believe that about me, it blows my mind. I just hope and pray that those who know me, know me well and know my character. All I have to cling to here so far away is my morals, my own heart and my truth in the situation. i'm tired of trying to explain what happened. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of feeling this unquenchable pain.I run to feel a different pain. The physical pain of running or working out is bearable but emotional and mental pain is almost impossible to ignore. you can always keep running but you can't just push aside the hurt that a lost reputation puts out there. Let's be honest with one another we care what other people say about us and if we know the truth and there are only lies being spread it still leaves a scar. They spread like fire. People feed off of them. Now I know not to believe everything I hear. When you've been on the other end of a rumor, the lies being spread, you start to think again before joining in on that juicy gossip that seems to so easily circulate around the church pews after the organ has died down and the plastic smiles remain.
Before I thought I knew pain, but I knew nothing of the sort until this year. I wanted a deeper relationship with God. I wanted a year of service and this is what I get?

Still the same.

This was two weeks ago…

It even hurts to set up my hammock here. I think back to what a Sabbath in Pohnpei would have been like, all the SM’s grabbing their hammocks and us piling 3 high and 12 in total hammocks in the hut to just talk the afternoon away. But on this day in Yap I am completely alone, on the deck, hearing nothing but the wind. No SM's to talk with. No best friend to make memories with. Nothing.... we would gather to just unwind from a busy and hectic week and recharge for the next. Tears run down my cheeks freely with no end in sight. Seems to be my familiar now. Tear stained cheeks and a fight to catch my next breath through the sobs. “God this isn’t fair. Some get to choose where they go, go to that place, serve and end loving the entire experience. So why does mine have to be so dramatically different?” but all I hear is Silence. Even those who were the ones to bring me all this hurt, the ones who misinterpreted me, who accused me get to have an amazing year, in an amazing place, with the people and students I loved sooooo much even only after ONE MONTH

Living in the past is a present killer. My past was a HS teacher in beautiful Pohnpei and my present is a second grade teacher in Yap. Not wanting to go back to those feelings and pain I will spare the details of what happened to get me here.

So many encouraging words, bible verses and loving messages sent my way. Through the tears I read them all. The support is overwhelming, so why do I feel so incredibly alone? Loneliness I have not yet felt in my 22 years of life. I swore after what happened in Pohnpei that I would spend this year without keeping a blog that however that was very short lived. They can take my joy, they can take my best friend, they can take my SM year but they can’t take my experiences.

It all happened so fast. I landed in Yap still in a haze. All that kept going through my mind was “THIS can’t really be happening. I am going to wake up from this nightmare any minute and be back where I want to be.” but that time has not yet come and the nightmare still just lingers on. i wake up with my stomach in knots like someone is hand kneading my gut. It seems all I do is wait. Wait for a week to pass, wait for Jesse to come and take the 2^nd grade class, waiting for internet, waiting for Julie, and then what next….waiting to teach what I want to teach cause that doesn’t seem to be happening nor will it ever I fear. This has been the hardest, most challenging, most terrifying 2 weeks of my life.

I picked up the book “Honestly I’m Struggling”  off our apartment book shelf Thursday before we headed out to our town trip and read it the entire 3 hours we were gone. I finished the last page of it two hours ago (that’s two daysJ) My mind is still racing and my will fights God’s will (if I could even figure out what that is).  This girl, heather who wrote the book about her SM expereience, faces Cambodia all alone. The streets, the harassment, the ED, the harsh students, the dirty culture, the fear and the utter loneliness. I was left absolutely speechless as I read each page cause she took the words straight from my heart and placed them on paper. Words I didn’t know how to express, feelings I didn’t want to verbalize. I am in too much pain to write. I know I need to. But the moment I pick up my pen to try and gather my thoughts and feelings I begin to sob. God is it really suppose to be this hard? I know I said a year dedicated to you but I didn’t mean THIS. The only verses I cling too yet completely reject at the same time: Romans 8:28 “for all things work together for good for those who LOVE the Lord and are called according to HIS purpose.” And “God will not give you a trial that you cannot bear.” Then God you must think I’m pretty strong cause I can’t bear this.

Heather Bohlender writes what has been on my heart through these last two weeks

“Since landing in Cambodia (Yap) the questions never cease why does this have to hurt so much? What am I turning into? Why can’t I understand this place? Why did this happen? God are you there.?”

“Eager for adventure I wanted to give God an entire year of my life to do with me as he pleased. To run away with God.”

“The feeling of absolute isolation is indescribable.”

“I am not sure I’m strong enough for this. I wish I were the kind of person who could push past the emotions and pain. (My note: pain comes when you’ve been wronged. Pain when your best friend is ripped from you. You are forced to leave the students you have come to know and LOVE in only 4 weeks and you’re fellow fantastic SM’s) "Overwhelmed with my own thoughts I struggle to breath” This seems to be a nightly occurrence with me. To grip my sheets till my knuckles turn white and collapsing to my knees overtaken with tears. More than a cry out to God I’m screaming at Him. But they keep saying, even if you can't pray, keep crying out to Him.

How in the world am I suppose to take this one day at a time when 9months bears down at me like a cloud that won’t lift off my shoulders.

“I never could have prepared myself for this – never”

“Silence is pain’s best friend.”

Mornings are the hardest ;then again evenings aren’t any better.

“I plead for one good day, something to show me that good days still exist.”

‘There’s a huge difference between wanting to be a SM and actually doing it.”

“As an alcoholic reaches for alcohol to numb the pain, I reach for food.”

“I am not OK and I can’t expect help unless I ask for it.”

I can’t do this, I choke out, and it’s too painful. This is not what I thought it would be. Its not like I expected a year to be easy but this turn to Yap from my original plan was NOT what this was about. I do my best, or do I? I can’t do this alone but that’s all I feel, alone.  I spend all day-surrounded people but feel so alone.

“You don’t have to stay in Cambodia if you don’t want to, but you’ll regret it if you do.” That’s what kills me the most. The regret the guilt of leaving. The pressure to stay, to stick it out like Heather did in Cambodia and how she came through. BUT HOW?!? I feel like my situation is so different but really is it? I hate teaching kindergarten; she hated teaching kids who hated her. Her culture rejected and intimated her. Mine is softer. So how did she do it? Why did she do it? WHY can’t I be strong like her? God why. So that’s what I’m left with. More questions. More waiting. More crying. More collapsing. More more more more, there has got to be more.

I planned for months for this. The joy of thinking God has an amazing plan for you and its all coming into form is exciting. I’m almost tempted to say from now on….don’t plan. Its dangerous.

A natural life cycle

The emails die down. The messages become few and far between. Life goes on for people. They forget.

But then coach reminds me:

Honestly I'm struggling.

The words seem to escape me as I try to manage blogging again. I guess it can just start with me now.
My last blog had the title of "A year in Pohnpei" oh if I only knew now what I know that sentence would be drastically altered to "A month in Pohnpei". But what an amazing month that was. If all I can hold onto now is 31 days then I am holding on till my knuckles turn white and my breath stops. I was teaching Highschool Health, computers II and Girls HS PE.

 My Girls from Pohnpei PE. (with all the equipment that Coach, Dr. Garver/Southern sent us!!!!)


I loved my students, loved the place, loved the people and loved my fellow serving SM's. Was excited to spend a year growing, serving, and stretching. Little did I know the growing was just beginning.

Now I look back and see it as only a memory. Currently I am serving as a HS/elementary school teacher in Yap Micronesia. Moving islands was one of and continues to be the hardest trial in my life. The pain of false accusation and the hurt of a huge loss never fully heals and will always leave a scar on my heart. Being here is a daily fight, a hourly controversy between self and God. I gave my year of service to Him thinking it would be in Pohnpei but boy was I wrong. I gave Him this year, no restrictions, so here I am. Continueing to serve dispite the devils effort through human mistakes to place me here. The anger lingers and still stings. The bitterness flashed in the background.

Coming here I've learned two things; life is hard and humans make mistakes (then ended up hurting me). I have already rotated through three classrooms here in Yap. Starting off as a 2nd grade teacher I taught in Kirsten Wolcotts classroom (a SM who was killed here two years ago from Southern Adventist University) In fact I did more than just teach in her classroom; I went through her folders to find worksheets for my kids, shop where she shopped, go by where she was found, am living in her room/apartment, run where she ran (on campus), play with the dogs she played with (who are much bigger now) and experience her life here in Yap.

The second graders:)

Second week here one of the SM's is hospitilized for appedisitis and another SM arrives to take the 2nd graders for the rest of the year. Thanks Jesse!! I was put into her classroom to teach the 3rd graders in the morning and take High school PE and health in the afternoons. I can finally breath a bit easier. High school is my element. I love teaching HS. Elementary school teachers are very special people and deserve all the admiration this world has to offer!! I appologize to any of my elementary school teachers if I EVER DID anything wrong! I am so sorry. Now I am being punished lol.

3rd Graders:)

So now I've finished my second week of teaching gr. 3 in the mornings and I am so drained! There are moments that I love them and more moments that they drive me insane!

I took a quick two day stop in Kindergarten. They make the second and third graders look like angels! One problem I had was that they don't really speak english so it was VERY hard to communicate with them. Four of them running around screaming, throwing flash cards, tossing blocks, putting play dough EVERYWHERE and me just running around after them trying to get them to stop screaming and cleaning up the mess they've left behind.

Here they look so cute! and they really are:) just a bit of a handful:):)

So as I wrap up a month in Yap I look back and see a rollercoaster of emotions, tears and heartache. A new start, a new island. Almost like two SM experiences in one year. A drastic change to this island but I'm here now. And as I look into this coming week I see more changes. Office/Library and HS PE and Health.

I can't even express how grateful I am for the support and encouragement I have recieved from those at home. (Canada and Southern:) I wouldn't still be here in Yap today if it wasn't for those who messaged me, emailed me, kept me going, listened to me, talked with me, skyped with me, supported me, sent me packages...and the list goes on. I know now who truley cares for me. Those who have taken the time to message me even in thier very busy lives. Thank you so much! I know that people are busy but there are some who stopped their lives just to let me know I matter to them and to God.

So here goes another week. one day at a time.