Worn Out

       This blog has started over ten times. The lines don’t sound right. The sentences don’t completely express the full thought. Words just don’t seem to be able to fully encompass the emotion. Saying this has been a struggle is an understatement but for lack of a better description at the moment we’ll stick with that. As I go throughout my day its like there’s always something missing. Restlessness, an anxious distraction, a purposeless form of routine. Although I can’t say I’ve yet fallen into anything close to a routine. School just started 2 days ago but I’ve been here for over two weeks. I would describe my mental state to that of a hungry six year old in a room full of toys and chocolate, and being told to sit in a chair, stare and smell but not move, touch, or taste. Constant chaos. “Give yourself a few weeks” is the advice I’m given. Learn how to be a student again. “Go study” is what I hear.” More like a random ramble of a college student stuck in a semester of fear, doubt and failure. But that’s just how it begins as the anxiety sets in. The feeling of being completely alone in a crowd of people. Of coming back to a world I not only don’t fit into but do not understand anymore. Absolutely on a rollercoaster of emotions and wanting nothing more than to stop the ride and step off onto a peaceful shore, lay down and give in to the overflow of tranquility. I find myself wanting one thing but doing the opposite. The personality and confidence slip through the cracks of a wanting spirit and waiting heart.

      I don’t want to sit in class I want to change the world, be working. I don’t want to be in the library studying; I want to be out biking, running, and working the crap out of my midsection. I don’t want to be scheduling my day with lists; I want to be hanging out with my best friend being crazy and going on adventures. I don’t want to be crying myself to sleep I want to be smiling and laughing at the joy and blessings life brings. I don’t want to feel anxious I want to feel God’s peace and powerful hand leading in my life happenings. I don’t want to be bitter but have forgiveness beyond my latest circumstances. I don't want to feel like i'm constantly on the edge and any little thing or something someone says set me completely reeling over the edge of emotion and anger. 

Worn-Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too week

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes