Restless

       I have never been so anxious and restless before. It’s like the minutes are literally crawling by. I can’t sit and read for more than 30-40min before I feel the need to pace. Seconds feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours. I close my eyes and dream of the morning I get to wake up and know that I’m going home. Turmoil rises and swirls in my heart as I think of seven more weeks. It’s a two-fold hope. On one hand seven weeks compared to over forty weeks is such a ray of hope but on the other hand I know how slowly it can take and how much effort it expends to just get through one single week here. I had a friend say to me “oh I’m sorry” the moment I excitedly mentioned I had seven weeks left. Curious, I asked “why are you sorry?” Their blatant response was simply “cause seven weeks is still a long time.” I could feel my heart drop. In essence they are right. Seven weeks is a long time.  However we must go back and hold that candle to the light of what I’ve come through so far…What I’ve had to endure. And I’ve come this far….so why is the last stretch proving to be the hardest of them all? I literally pack my bags nightly. It has become a comfort ritual to stare at my suitcase and want so badly to throw everything in it and run away. I’m tired of being told what I had put all my hope into is just another “mistake” or having my principal telling me to “just hold on another week.” I’m tired. Plain and simple, I’m tired of this. I want to go home and forget this year ever happened. Forget I ever decided to be an SM. Forget what it’s taken me to get through this year, forget the place, forget the pain. Forget the loneliness and be surrounded by people that love and care about me again. People that will see me as who I am and simply that. People who don’t expect anything from me, or throw another job I dread my way, or ask how I’m doing just to be polite and not to actually know. I know I asked for a stronger faith and relationship with God and through the tears and fights that’s exactly what I’ve gotten and now I want to go home. To be with my best friend again, have supper at my grandmas house, run further than 20 feet before having to turn a corner and make a circle back, hang out with girl friends, walk hand in hand with my little cousins, text a friend to run to taco bell, or just sit in the living room in the arms of someone that loves me and feel protected. I have never felt so alone then I have at many times in the last 9 months.

      I sang the song “I will follow you, where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay, I’ll stay. When you move, I’ll move. Who you love, I’ll love.” I meant it. This year has stretched me beyond my own comprehension. It’s been a fight to the finish. Every single day till the end. I have screamed at God, raised my hands in complete surrender and turned my back on him all in the span of eight and a half very long months. But isn’t that what I came to do? I look back on the paragraph I just wrote and all I see are “I”s. Me, me, me, me. Is that how an SM is supposed to be, selfish? The song goes; Where YOU go, I’ll go. Where YOU stay, I’ll stay. When YOU move, I’ll move. Who YOU love, I’ll love. Okay. I get it. But that doesn’t mean I want to be here any longer. There are many times this week I’ve wished I had just packed up and left  a long time ago. The strongest point of that when my principal announced, in front of everyone, that my replacement was not coming AGAIN…..Why did I stay? Why am I still fighting so hard to get through the days here? Why? I’ll let you know the answer to that when God reveals it to me. That could be the day I leave Yap, a month later, a year later or maybe not ever will I know what these 10months were for. Let’s wait till June 3 as to how staying feels. That Sabbath morning I get to open my eyes up with a big smile on my face and warmth in my heart to know that I’m going home. I’m finally going home.

Mission Manta Ray = Fail

My spring break is quickly coming to a close and I'm remorsefully looking at my calendar at the days of this week crossed off with a red sharpie. A symbol that my week of freedom has slipped through my fingers way too fast and it’s back to the books for the last 7 weeks of this school year. It has been a really good week, with a lot of relaxing, hammock naps, a beach day, hang outs, and town trips. I am trying to think back and simply summarize the days into one lump sum but I do not think that that is going to suffice so come with my on a journey through this past week by the day:)

Sunday: Eyes fly open, I'm wide awake at 6:30am, dripping in sweat and realizing it’s way to hot to go back to sleep so I might as well get up and start the day as the sun rises with me. I really wanted this week to be a productive week so I head straight for the dreaded part of the house for me. The Kitchen. Okay, I am a very OCD person (ask my mom if I was a neat freak when I was in High school and she will deny this fact, so it's probably a trait I acquired in university). Anyways so living in this house has been a bit of a challenge for me, especially the kitchen. It’s usually full of dishes and very much in disarray. I was eager to see it transformed in my hands with some Pinesol, elbow grease, and three new sponges. I cleared the counter of dishes, sterilized the floors, organized the fridge, redid the Tupperware and hot beverages cupboards and sat down with a satisfied sigh on my couch. I glanced at my watch to see what time it was, thinking it would be around 10 or 11, and was shocked to see that is was only 8:55am! I still had the whole day ahead of me. Rychelle, my housemate has gone to Palau for spring break but left book #2 & #3 of the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers here for me to read so I began that book fervently remembering how the last book ended in seeming tragedy and loss. I didn't see how there was going to be a comeback from how the first book ended so I was reluctant to start the next one. I had read the first book on my kindle (I adore my kindle thanks to BrittanyJ) and absolutely fell in love with this author. My love was actually sparked a year ago when I read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers and remember not being able to put the book down for hours on end. Anyways, after a while of getting back into book worm mode I decided to get a work out in but was distracted by the teachers down stairs in the process of making coconut oil. I grabbed a mat and sat with them for an hour or so in the backyard watching them husk the enormous coconut out of their broad shells, then slamming the coconuts to crack the inside, draining out the "bad" water, letting them dry out and then using the small carving stool to scrape out all the meat to boil and create the famous Yapese coconut oil. It was fun to just sit and watch them work. Joy (our very happy and hilarious Gr. 6 teacher) made me try my hand at the husking ordeal of the process. I looked like such a tourist but eventually got the hang of it after two or three coconuts. They laughed at me and had a grand time yelling in Filipino to each other, probably making fun of me as I struggled to stab these behemoths and tear off the dried layers of husk. A few of us decided to walk to Tom's store to grab some juice or snacks. We were going to take the car but decided against it, realizing the exercise was needed after a pretty dormant day. The way to Toms store is a difficult walk for me still. It passes right beside Kirsten Wolcott’s memorial. (a coconut tree with a flower wreath hanging from its trunk) She was an SM here from Southern two years ago who was murdered while jogging one morning. I remember when I first heard the news I was shocked and never in a million years thought I would be walking past her memorial in Yap. That day in convocation at Southern, when the announcement was made of her passing, I said in my heart, "Lord, I will never go to Yap." Boy was I wrong..... 

Monday: Again we replay Sunday morning and my eyes shot wide open, this time at 6:45am. I'm doing better at this "sleeping in" concept, I laugh to myself. Now this is productive morning #2 so I set hard to work at cleaning out our living room and bookshelves by the door. This time I quickly finish my OCD job (if you live with me you'd see this side of me:) aka Nicole Ley:) and Sabrina was still fast asleep. I decide to go for a run. (I consider this a Yapese run because it consists of 4 circles around my tiny campus before I get dizzy and just plain bored). As I write about this spring break a lot of other details come to mind. Like how I can't leave this campus unless it’s with 3 other people. Most people I tell this too fact to refer to my living conditions as a prison, and yes I have said the same thing myself. We can't get off campus much except for town trips and church so we have to make due with the confines of this place. I understand why it is this way so I can't really argue. I have tried to loose weight since the moment I arrived in the islands but I was told "girls gain weight, and boys loose it." I was determined to defy the odds and normality and be the SM who comes back fit....well let's just say it again "Boy was I wrong." So I ran a few laps, till I could barely stand the heat anymore and took a break with my puppy. I call him my puppy but really Coby is a big dog now. I remember the day he was handed to me by one of my grade 3 students, pathetic and flea infested I was ready to give him back at the end of the day. But he stayed with us and I'm so glad we kept him. He has been a source of joy and comfort for me over these past few months. To know I have someone waiting for me, tail wagging, eyes full of joy lets me know I'm still loved, even if it's only a puppy:). He’s a fighter though and I wrestled with him in the grass for a while till the other two dogs came and tried to play too. I can't say I enjoy their company as much as I do Coby's cause one is a bit mental and the other has a deep gash on his ear that never heals and he's always shaking his head, spraying blood around him in waves of red. It's gross. Around 5pm Lorraine came over to our apartment saying that Village View had called her and said we could stay the night there if we wanted to. We had tried to get a condo there Sunday night but a big German group of tourists came in and they were stock full. Instead of staying in one of the beach condos however we were graciously invited into the owners of the restaurant there and given their room to stay in. Yes, we squeezed 6 of us into one room and three in the other of this small but oh-so-cute house. I drove the green van with everyone packed in with their stuff over to Tom's store to wait for the owners there so we could drive back with them since they were in town and weren't home yet. We waited there for about 45min for them to arrive and then they still had to do their laundry at the laundry mat there so we waited another 30-40min in the parking lot just hanging out. It’s funny to be with the Filipino teachers cause they talk so fast and they all have different dialects so they poke fun at each other and laugh SO loud. All the while Lorraine sits beside me and translates what they are saying. Every once in a while Joy will punch me in the arm and I just laugh with her cause its contagious. I was in a very quiet mood that evening and didn't talk much.

Village View

Tuesday: I woke up this time at a decent hour of 7:30am since we went to bed pretty late the night before. We arrived at Village View around 9:30pm and I had taken a walk out to the beach to watch the moon on the ocean. I was soon joined by Sabrina and Andrea while Arcee and Lorraine went swimming in the dark midnight blue water. We sat in silence, just in our own little worlds till about 11:30pm so I was pretty tired the next morning. Joy and Sarah had already started on breakfast so I knew not to interrupt their kitchen furry and jumped into the shower to try to wash the "sleep" out of me lol. When I stepped out of the shower I wondered to myself why I hadn't just gone and jumped in the ocean. Probably because they said they had warm showers and I haven't had a warm shower for 8 months (except for hawaii) so I jumped at the chance. After breakfast Sabrina, Andrea, Lo, Kirt and ArCee went swimming but I decided against it (still being in my quiet and "I want to just go home" mood) and went to set up my hammock by the water with my book and journal. I quickly fell fast asleep until Sabrina woke me up and told me it was time for lunch. I got quite a chunk of my book read after lunch before we left around 3pm. I drove us back to school and decided to start on my long awaited project that has been put on my back burner to-do-list for the last few months. It started as a dream when I was in Pohnpei to repaint all the court lines in the gymnasium and transferred with me to Yap when I saw the faded lines of the volleyball and basketball courts here on campus. I had wanted to repaint them since my arrival but had never gotten around to starting this project till now. So I began by finding the white paint, brushes, and scissors to clean out all the weeds that had grown through the cracks. I had the help of the Thomas son, Jason. I was nervous to let him help me paint since I didn't want a mess being made of the lines or any paint spilled on the court. But that fear quickly left me when he got bored of painting the lines and just began painting his shoe in the grass. I only completely one line before decided A. I was way too hot and B. I wanted to go read more of my book. So I cleaned up, an ordeal in itself with oil based paint and headed up to my lonely apartment. Rychelle, Jesse, Dr. Martin and Mr. Alex and his family have all gone to Palau for spring break so it's been a pretty quiet campus...

Wednesday: Waking up bright and early I decided today was the day! (like the song in finding nemo "today's the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.....!") Well today was the day I would finish painting the lines on the volleyball court and basketball court by the middle school. I had high hopes of being able to complete repainting both sets of lines before the day was over...well at least I tried. It was really refreshing to be outside so early and getting some alone time to take in the fresh air as I worked at getting the paint and supplies ready. I was happily sitting and working meticulously on the lines when the principals son came bolting around the corner...Now there is something I have to explain. I like to think of myself as a pretty patient person...but this kid loves to push my buttons beyond my own comprehension and threshold. To say the least, my morning was no longer quiet but full of questions, random comments, and hyper activity as I tried to tune it out and concentrate on the lines. It was hard enough to find where the old lines had been since there were so faded and in most places non-existent. The sun was getting really hot as I worked and I wondered why I had neglected to put sunscreen on. Just the day before I had walked outside, stretched my arms towards the bright heavens and screamed at the top of my lungs "I am living on the surface of the sun!!" as my bare feet roasted on the sidewalk underneath me. So by 10am my back was getting pretty toasty. Lucky for me, and my sanity, Andrea came out to help me. With a camera in one hand and a butter knife in the other she set to the hard work of weeding and cutting away all the grass that had grown out of the cracks and over the lines. She also provided the ipod deck so we could listen to music while we worked. It was a huge help in many ways. She also kept Rajain (principals son) very busy and distracted while I worked and I know that there is no way I could have finished in the time I did without her moving ahead of me pulling and hacking as those stubborn weeds. Finally by 12:30pm I made the last stroke of my paintbrush and fell into the grass exhausted. My lower back was screaming at me from all the standing and bending over in awkward positions to paint. We painted our hands and left our handprints in the corner of the court, satisfied with a morning of hard work. Then Lorraine was in the office working on stipends and asked if the town trip could be made today instead of tomorrow so we piled into the white van, this time with Andrea driving:) and headed into town for our weekly "town trip." I yet again have to interject here for a second with a sidenote. This trip is usually done in our white, benched van, where we all have to sit on these extremely uncomfortable wooden benches facing each other along the sides of this Yap SDA vehicle. But every time we pull out of the campus I look longingly as this brown, African-safari like truck, that sits under our garage overhang and I wish so badly we were driving to town in that. It has an awesome cover roof with padded benches along the side like you would see on an African safari (maybe its also my mind nagging me as to why I didn't go to Africa this year...) but nevertheless I think it would be fun. Unfortunately it doesn't run great and the seats are falling apart....Sooo town trip was the usual run from store to store, waiting for everyone to get what they need and piling it all on the floor and under the benches in the back of the van. This is also the time that Sarah buys all the weekly supplies for the school canteen so it can get pretty crowded back there with everyone and their groceries. We had been trying to plan a bonfire for weeks and finally decided to make it happen this particular still, hot night. So we gathered all the coconut husks from the campus and began a booming fire (you can never go wrong making a fire in the islands, just light a coconut husk on fire and its easy timber!) It was just the female teachers all out there by the deck and we had a good time making smores with giant marshmallows, talking about the hunger game craze (I don't understand it...) and laying, watching the stars. I saw a shooting star and remembered the night we laid out in the parking lot in Pohnpei and watched the stars shoot across the black sky. 

Thursday: Okay since this is getting really long I'll spare the details of this day cause it was basically me procrastinating on getting lesson planning done all morning, another trip to town (I just slept and read in the back seat while Lorraine and Andrea ran around getting more stuff) and actually getting some lesson planning done finally in the evening.  I am trying to get two sets of lesson plans done for these last few weeks of school. A set for a week of grade 3 to give to the new SM coming to teach gr. 3 and then my own lesson plans of High school sciences (physics 12, chemistry 11, biology 10 and physical science 9) plus PE and health. It’s a bit overwhelming and I’m not looking forward to trying to squirm through another 7 weeks of science classes but I am so extremely grateful to be going back to teaching highschool!!!

Friday: NOW here is the day that the title of this blog post is ALL ABOUT. I was really excited to find out that we would be going out to swim with the manta rays today!!! This is such a huge mark on my bucket list and I was super excited to get it checked off my list. We were asked to make a list of 100 goals we had for the year in Pohnpei during orientation and I just found that list this morning with one of the goals being "to do something I fear" which would encompass swimming with 20-25ft manta rays for sure! We left bright and early at 8:30am with George, a local, as our captain. BUT of course we CANNOT have an outing without SOMETHING going wrong, so about 10-15min out of campus we sputtered to a halt...out of gas. George was just laughing as we drifted with the current towards shore. That's really all we can do here in the face of "problems" or challenges that arise, we just laugh. So we washed up on shore and George and the principal took the jerry can and wandered off to get enough gas to take us to the waterway gas station by YCA. By the time we actually got speeding out into the open water it was 10am. I closed my eyes as we drove along and could feel my thoughts drifting towards camp. I am really going to miss that boat dock this summer. I've worked at camp the last 8 summers of my life and will be missing it a lot. The sun was blaring down on us and the breeze was a very welcomed relief. George found our sweet spot and we stopped the boat. We all started jumping into the clear blue water with the reef below. I didn't have a snorkel since I gave mine away last week to a church member who needed it for spear fishing and was going to wait till a set of goggles and snorkel became available from someone else who got to tired and would let me use theirs. But I was able to get a set and jump in with everyone else. I turned around at the call of my name and saw that Raijan was getting ready to jump in and wanted me to swim by him. He had his big life jacket on and small plastic snorkel set ready to take the plunge. He stomped his feet back and forth on the side of the boat with nervousness. I reached out and told him to jump thinking he would just come in and swim beside me. That was not the case. Instead he jumped in and proceeded to panic. A panic we are warned about in WSI and Life guarding class as a "distressed swimmer". They can be lethal weapons even to someone who is a strong swimmer. When panic takes over someone they loose all logic and straight thinking and that's exactly what this child did. He immediately pushed me under, trying to keep himself afloat. Grasping at my hands and arms he prevented me from being able to swim myself. I felt myself begin to panic as well being held underwater. Luckily I was able to grab his lifejacket and rip him off of me and hold him at arms length, yelling at him the entire time to stop screaming and calm down. "I'm drowning, I'm drowning" was all he was screaming. After I was able to catch my breath and stop coughing up salt water I took him back to the boat which was now a ways away due to its drifting. It was a pretty scary event for me and I had to hold onto the side of the boat for a few minutes regaining my composure. I then swam out to where Sabrina and Andrea were already exploring. When I stuck my mask underwater I gasped. No, there wasn't a sea creature looming up at me but rather a vast spans of nothing. Yup, I was in the pacific ocean. It's a scary thing to see…well nothing. Just deep blue water below. I was beginning to get nervous. The manta rays we were in search of can get up to 25feet and I could just imagine this LARGE black creature coming up from the depths of my goggle vision and floating past me...but we quickly were back at the reef and I was actually relieved to see the sponges and spiny outcroppings of the coral with its fish inhabitants. At least it wasn't just a deep blue. I laughed as we quoted Finding Nemo lines to each other and looked for clown fish so we would be able to point and scream "I found NEMO!" George jumped into the water too and took us to a place where stone money had been dropped by a trading canoe. Stone money is what this island is centered around. It is the large circles of rock carved out from the rocks in Palau and brought to this island many years ago as forms of currency. You can see them littered all over the island, by houses, koyengs, huts and lining the road in villages. The moment George had jumped in the water I had felt calm. He is a professional diver and just his presence made me at ease with seeing these giant creatures (and reef sharks). We swam around for a bit in search of the Mantas but couldn't find anything. A little disappointed we jumped back in the boat and George decided to take us to the South end of the island, Mapp, to see if we could see some there. We got soaked in the small boat as we took on the ocean waves and it was quite the adventure. But in the end, no mantas :( BUT I did see a SEA TURTLE!!! I have wanted to see one since my arrival and I got a glimpse of the shell before it dove under about 20feet from our boat. As we headed back to the school we had to go the long way around the island and I could feel that all my sunscreen had washed off in the salt water. I literally watched as the sun baked me, and everyone else in the boat. We had a potluck supper tonight and I could see the red, leathery skin of all those who went out today and had baked on the way back. I have a distinct line on my legs and arms. When I compare my arms to my stomach its like two completely different people.

I am really trying to get pictures uploaded with this blog but the interweb is NOT cooperating with me tonight sorry :(

So in conclusion, I end this extremely long blog with both fear and gratefulness. Fear of the upcoming week, the week BACK from spring break as there will be a lot of changes and transitions but also of gratefulness for a week of relax and sleep! Now I look at my wall and see 7 links left in the chain my best friend, Brittany, has sent to me signifying that I have 7 weeks left on this island of Yap to finish off my 10month SM year. I am ready to go home. 

Be strong.

Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're going to do great things, I already know. God's got His hand on you, so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here. Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say....

"strong" a word I've heard a lot lately.
A word I haven't felt a lot lately.
A word I'd like to feel again...
but what I feel is the hot tears, the pain in my chest and ache in my heart. That's about it.

Written Laws

Today is dedicated to two things: trying to fix this really frusterating blog site of mine and lesson planning for 5 grades (grade 3, 4 grades of HS sciences, pe, and health classes). I have been on spring break for almost a week now and have been loving the relax time. I really do love this island and the time I spend outside of school. There are many many things that frusterate me to which I will not get into detail but honestly the landscape can be breathtaking and the outings fun. I can't even begin to list the lessons I've learned this year or the countless heartaches it's taken to get to this point. Ahead I see a lot of continual growth and more mistakes on my part but I am looking forward to happier times. I appologize to the masses with my lack of communication or posts. I really do want to fix this and today is for that. I might be moving my blog but if you know me well, you may also know that I am not too technically savy and for me internet research and computer talk goes up and over my head. So while I struggle to find ways of exporting posts, deleting blogs, importing pages, finding an easier site, there may be a delay.
I am extremely frusterated with myself this morning, falling back into the same old habits and personality. I konw I don't have much time left here in Yap but the more weeks that go by and the less weeks I have left on my calender here, the slower time seems to want to pass. I want to go home.

Lessons Learned

Whenever I sit down to write a blog its usually after a three of four week interval from the last one and I don't even know where to start...


So let me give a VERY brief and general summary of my last few weeks. A little over a month ago (Jan. 17) Andrea and Pam were scheduled to arrive back in Yap from being home with appendicitis and Dengue fever (not both at the same time! lol) Having them back at the school let us all breath a bit easier and we FINALLY had a full, working staff. We had not yet had a day when someone wasn't sick, needing a substitute or going home. Finally we started Thursday morning with everyone in the jobs they were actually suppose to be doing. I was in the office all morning and then went out to teach HS PE in the afternoon. I remember thinking that we could finally, after 5 months, have a "normal" day. Our school has been in a constant state of controlled chaos and uncertainty since this school year had started. I was scheduled to be on supervision for that Thursday so I stayed at my "post" by the bus drop off till about 2:50pm and then headed back to the apartment to get ready for our weekly town run. Side note: This IS an EXCITING event on our campus, Thursdays being town runs because this is the only day that we get to all leave campus and do our shopping and such. Anyways so I was changed, wallet in hand and checking my emails before we headed out the door when Mr. Alex comes running into the porch and says "please come quickly, Andrea broke her leg!" My mind instantly went into OVERDRIVE and a sort of controlled panic. I had had this kind of scare earlier in the year with one of my students and my brain instantly switched to "emergency nurse" mode. In these high alert medical types of situations make me go into this "superman" mode where I shut my mind off to fear and just GO! before I knew what I was doing I was flying down the apartment steps running to the crowd of students that had already gathered. To be honest I was bracing myself for a very bloody, bone sticking out of flesh kind of sight. Not to diminish the situation, but I was relatively relieved when I saw no blood at the scene but just a very calm and collected Andrea, lying on the retaining wall by the school parking lot. Her foot was NOT where a foot should be but was rather at a 90 degree angle to her leg and I could tell she was pale and probably very dizzy. Arcee was holding ice to the stubble of her bone. I immediately turned to Mr. Alex and we talked about what to do. I grabbed the car but that plan failed, and the green van was out of gas so we threw a mattress in the back of the white van and began our long, slow, bumpy drive to the hospital about 30min away. We called the ambulance but there was no available transport for her so we trekked out on our own. Once there they quickly wheeled her into the "red zone". It was truly an act of God that they were able to put her foot back in place. When the accident first happened Mr. Alex put a "local medicine" on her ankle and that had helped keep the swelling down along with ice. If they had not done that immediately there would have been swelling and the doctors probably wouldn't have been able to put her foot back in place. After about a week of her recovering on crutches we found out that she was going to have to go off island for reconstructive surgery on her now weakened bones as she had fractured BOTH her tibia and fibula and dented in her socket (although we DIDN'T know it was this bad till we got to Hawaii). After much debate, a very late night with Andrea figuring out flights and such I was on a plane with her as her medical assistant and world traveler on our way to Hawaii for her surgery. Now we were only scheduled to stay here for a week and then be back in Yap however as the doctor looked at her injury he was adamant that she needed to stay for 3 weeks after surgery!! So surgery was scheduled for the next week and we prepared a list of things to do to keep us busy and sane for the next few weeks. Of course the first few days after her surgery she was immobile and I was her personal slave....I mean servant:) to help her with tasks and to also cook her meals (ha if you can call what i do "cooking"). So now we come to the present. I sit on my bed in Hawaii, with Andrea across the room on her bed, with her colourful cast propped up on a blanket and ending yet another day on this gorgeous island.

Taking Andrea to the hospital minutes after the accident in the white van

Her foot is NOT facing the right direction...

OKAY now let's start with the latest. Today. Today Andrea got her new wheels::) The insurance brought a wheel chair over to the house and I spent a few minutes this afternoon pushing her around the neighborhood that we are staying in. She actually took control for an entire street and wheeled herself down the bumpy gravel pavement. We are staying on the street right across from the Adventist Castle Medical Hospital so I'm sure it looked like I was a nurse taking out this patient for a walk. Or a disgruntled ex-nurse freeing this poor hospital victim. We laughed at the thought of that as I began to run down the street nervously looking over my shoulder and watched what peoples reactions were haha.

Yes, I played around in HER wheelchair for a while

And for course I had to give her boot and crutches a test run:)

Our first day here we spent touring the island with Arland and his wife (who were house sitting for the Rassumsens: the house we're staying in). They were a VERY fun couple and had lived in Hawaii for quite a few years as missionaries a few years ago so they knew quite a bit of the island. We had an awesome day driving around the North shore of the island stopping at the Dole plantation, seeing the sea side waves, stopping at the famous surfing competition beach and eating at TACO BELL!!!!
It's been about 3 weeks now and I can't say we've done as much traveling as we did those first two days but we're really making some great memories and keeping ourselves busy with RANDOM activities. Some of which include melting crayons to her cast, listening to Pandora, sitting on Waikiki and kailua beaches, spending valentines day ALONE, eating asparagus and brustle sprouts, updating out facebooks, skyping ALOT, avoiding stupid facebook timeline, visiting TBELL like 3 times, befriending the Rassumsens scary cats, MANY hospital visits, playing the uk and piano, staring at Mt. Siana for HOURS, going to "the mall", experimenting with cooking, sleeping in, sleeping late, sleeeeeeeeeeeeppppiinnnggg, reading, jumping in leaves (well just me), getting really buff workouts from crutches and wheelchairs, making a movie, watching the entire 4 disk series of Anne of Green Gables, journals, oh and Andrea spent some time going through intense drug withdrawal.

The Hackets: Our Monday, North Shore tour guides

Gorgeous Hawaiian shoreline

1st visit to taco bell in 7 months! What a culture shock!!

Dole plantation: AMAZING dole whip!!

Beach visit: crutches and all:)

In honor of Andrea, I won't use my legs either:)

Getting ready for surgery:)

She's pretty drugged up:) At our favorite hangout place

This is all the hardware in her ankle now!!

Pinterest helped us with some ideas to decorate her cast! Melting crayons:)

Even just a shower takes work!

I can't say that this year has a lack of lessons to be learned. As I look at all those now preparing to go out as SM's next year I'm not sure how to respond to it. Whether to be happy for them or want to warn them to "turn back now!!" I can say that this year has NOT been a walk in the park but I have grown tremendously and JUST being here in Hawaii with Andrea for these past few weeks I have learned quite a few lessons....

My lessons learned

Don't take things for granted: Seeing Andrea and her courage through this entire situation has really made me see how God can help someone see the positive side to every discouragement. I know that I take so many things for granted. Having to see Andrea suffer through surgery, a splint cast, and now a plaster cast has really made me not take each and everyday for granted. To have two legs just to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen is a blessing. To be able to shower without a lawn chair in the shower or a bag on my leg. To not be constantly sick and nauseated from medications and sleepless nights. She's been a real trooper and has been positive even with the daunting tasks and road of recovery ahead of her. It's long and it's hard but it has taught me never to take anything in life for granted. We had this game of saying "well at least you have......._______________" whenever we would hear someone complain we would whisper that line to each other. For example if someone said "I am so tired of running after these kids all day." we would say "well at least you have two eyes" or something random like that. At first it was just a funny inside joke but it has really taught me to look at the positive in life. So lesson #2 BE POSITIVE. Now it has taken me a LONG time to get to this point. If you had told me that I would be saying all this with a smile on my face a few weeks ago I would have brushed you off with an angry comment and stormed away. But I am a daily work in progress and I need to learn how to learn from my mistakes, life circumstances and no matter what challenge comes my way to take it with a smile and say that God has something to teach me.


Be patient: more specifically, be patient with God. I am a very go, go, go personality and I don't like waiting. But God has had his timing this year, definitely not mine but I can see how He has led in the past few months. Not trying to diminish my struggle this year because this has been the hardest year of my life but to try and see what I can gain out of this year and take on with me to make me a better person.


Learn and grow: Take time to breathe. Learn from your mistakes. I have made so many mistakes this year that I can't even comprehend how God can still want me to do His work but everyday I wake yet again to another day of life and that's really something to be thankful for. If you had asked me how I was doing previously this year I probably would have given you a sarcastic, rude remark of hatred of my SM year but I really need to learn to be a more positive person and take what life throws my way and LEARN and GROW from it.


Relationships are important: I can't stress this one enough!! There's a quote a friend gave me a few days ago that really made this real for me. "People say you don't know what you got till it's gone, but I knew what I had, I just didn't think I would lose it." I have always been very appreciative of my friends this year who have really truly been there for me. When I was in the darkest of days I had ever seen they messaged me, emailed me and talked to me even when it was impossible to hear me be positive about any of this. When I was struggling deep in depression and didn't know how I was ever going to make it through another day, they were there encouraging me every step of the way. AND I've always seen how quickly a relationship can be broken. People are important, treat them that way. I've made many mistakes with some people in my life that I deeply regret and want to rewind time and take those hurts and fix the damage. But life is only lived forwards so I can only learn from those and hope that forgiveness still stands.


Don't worry, Be happy: This one is pretty self explanatory. This life is FULL of uncertainties and huge challenges. I have never been faced with so many difficult situations or times till this year but in the end all we can do is, don't worry, be happy...I'm still working on this one:) big time.


This is ever growing process and I have in no way reached a point of full acceptance or "perfection". I am still growing, falling back, having bad days, good days and trying to learn with it all.

Daphne's Joy

Daphne Knechts graveside memorial service was today. She was laid to rest in Collegedale TN. Surronded by friends and family and her even larger family of gymmasters. I have been told it was a beautiful celebration of her, hard to have to do but amazing to see how much support her family is recieveing from all those mourning their loss. An amazing woman, an even more incredible friend and fighter.

I was lucky enough to have some words read at her side since I couldn't be there (by Jana Miles her childhood friend) I know this time is so hard for all of us but we have this hope and I can't wait to see her smiling face again when Jesus comes to take us all home:) Revelation 21:4. This was my honor and privildege to have given at her service;

Daphne's joy was something that could not be suppressed. From the day I met her in Gymmaster tryouts I caught sight of her spunk and "smirky" smile. As the months passed and I struggled through the first year of being a gymmaster Daphne always had a word of encouragment for me or a punch in the arm to smarten up :) Through our years at Southern Daphne and I made a lot of memories. They all encompass a lot of smiles and laughing as that seemed to be the theme of her life. I remember meeting her at Acrofest after we found out that she had joined the Gymnix Gymnastics team at Andrews. Feeling a bit hurt that she would join another team I joked with her and said "So who's the traitor now?" she gave me a punch in the arm and said "Hey! we're all on the same team:)" She was right. And she was right on a much deeper level than just gymnastics. We are all in this fight we call life we call life, on the same team, going towards the same goal. I know that when I first heard the news of her passing the first picture that came to my mind was one I had taken of her on one of our numerous gymnastic tours. Her head thrown back with laughter, the sun on her face, and her eyes closed as if soaking in the joy of the sunshine. My heart still breaks, the pain is still very real and the tears still flow but that is how I will remember Daphne. With a smile on her face and a song in her heart. She lived a life of faith. Faith that denied the grim days of chemo treatment and hospital beds. I watched Daphne's funeral from across the sea and longed to be with those who mourned her loss yet still holding tight to that hope that we have we will all see her one day again. I know that this poem was already read from Brittany Jacobson at her funeral but it fit so perfectly I want to remind all those feeling their hearts breaking from this loss to hear it once again....

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all that she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

you can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

or you can do what she'd want;

Smile, open your eyes, love and go on. <3

I love you Daphne

Daphne Knecht January 28, 2012

You are Yapesse

Diane: "you smell yapesse, your arms look yapesse, you swim yapesse, you must be yapesse."

This was the quote I recieved this afternoon after an amazing swim in the mangroves just outside gagil village. This sabbath needed to be different for me. I was tired of just staying in our apartment all sabbath afternoon so Pam and I decided to go on an adventure and solicited the help of her adopted island parents to get us a boat. I asked Thomas if we could borrow a boat without a motor to go out and anchor in the inlet and go for a swim sabbath afternoon. We had planned to bring sandwiches and have lunch but after a failed skype meeting for me it ended up being already 2pm so we just grabbed our stuff and ran out to the car. It ended up being 4 of us going:) (Pam, her "mom", sister and myself) We went to Thomas's village to get the boat but he wasn't home. We asked some of the local kids sitting on the porch of the small village church if they knew where Thomas was and they lead us to his daughter and wife in a far off hut. His wife is hilarious (Diane) and is such a joyous individual, laughing about everything with the smile of a child. She was excited and wanted to come with us, saying that her husband would paddle us out and we would be fine. Walking through the village was exactly how I pictured my SM year all along. Yet not until now, 6 months later, had I begun to actually feel "local". The locals were of course staring at the "white girls" lol and we really stuck out as a sore thumb in this small village. Walking along small dirt paths between huts made of scrap metal and whatever else is avaliable really made me begin to think about everything I had, even as an SM as far as worldly possessions. The cooking smoke pouring from the mesh sidings, little naked kids running around, playing with broken CDs, dirty soccer balls and dragging around cans on a string. We walked down to the man groves and were expecting to find a small canoe or something small boat that we would captain out to the ocean but instead Thomas pushed this HUGE orange and blue boat out of the trees and handed us two giant bamboo paddles. We looked at eachother and laughed and accepted the paddles with a sense of adventure. All four of us hopped in and started off manouvering our way through the mangroves with Diane laughing and joking everytime we would run into the tress. The passages were narrow but we finally made it out into more open water out by the school dock. It was pretty muddy so we moved back into the channel to have deeper water. I had to go in with flair so I flipped into the water off the side of the boat and all the local kids that had gathered by now were cheering wildly. The kids of course swim....very free....yes, naked. They don't care about social inuendos. The boys were wearing what they call "thues" which is basically a simple fabric wrapped strategically around their bottoms...but not nessisarily covering very much lol. The girls are often without tops in the villages but mainly outter islanders. It was so refreshing to be out there since it was another scourcher of a day. Not much breeze so the air is thick with humidity and its hard to breathe. We returned to the village and got many supper invitations but had to decline and head back to the school. I graciously accepted the small wrapped food offering from one of the small kids that was swimming in the mangroves with us. It was a palm branch wrapped around a ball of white rice. He offered it to me with two hands, bowing his head to me graciously, the way they show respect to someone that is older. But before we could leave they insisted we take a "yapesse" shower. This "yapesse shower" consists of grabbing a container out of HUGE barrel of rain water and proceeding to dump it over your head. They follow their showers with an application of their "local oil" on the skin to prevent sunburn or peeling. They use local medicine for EVERYTHING here. It's basically a mixture of coconut oil and island herbs. Apparently it gets rid of sun spots so I must get a hold of some of that soon since I have REALLY bad sun spots on both my shoulders from this blazin island SUN! When I first arrived here in Yap and smelled the local coconut oil for the first time I gaged big time. Actually I am still getting use to the smell. But I politely took the small bottle and applied it to my arms. This was when I was given the quote from Diane at the beginning of this blog...

"you must now be yapese."

I chuckled with her.
I love to hear their accent here. They actually go up in volume in the middle of their sentence kind of like a question...you have to hear it to understand it....

Before leaving I was taught how to put in a local yapese comb to hold up my hair. I have seen all the girls in school using this thing called the "yapesse comb" and it really intreguied me as I would watch them gracefully twirl their hair in a tight bun and slide thsi comb into place. There is no need to hari elastics and you always have a comb handy. It is amazing how they do it and now as I sit here and write I have one holding up my ocean soaked locks :)

After a night of intense dutch blitz rounds in the principals apartment and a feast of phillipeno food I prepare myself to fly off to Hawaii with Andrea to get surgery on her ankle. There are no predictable days here and as I get ready to leave, I leave this school in God's hands. Hoping and praying that I can return in a week to everyone still in tack and in good health. We have not yet had a fully working staff list since I arrived at the school 5 months ago. There has ALWAYS been someone sick or injured, or leaving the island for surgery or recovery. Pam for apendicitis, Andrea of Dengue Fever, I have been sick with the flu a few times.....The devil is working so hard to get us all discouraged.

Failed jumping picture :)

The Mangroves ocean side

chillin' in the gigantic "canoe"

it takes a lot to steer that blue monster!!