move on

Woke up with that feeling again. Like someone punched me right in the stomach before going to bed and now i'm waking up with the aftermath and the bruise. It's 2:33am and I yet again cannot sleep. The feeling of lonliness is overwhelming and the thought of waking up to another day like that makes me want to turn off my alarm and shut this world out. If I could come up with one sentence for my time here it's "life isn't fair and this world is full of sin." yes, sounds like a bitter, cynical, athiest speaking but that may be all I get out of my SM year. I am hurt and I am continuing to hurt daily. But its not a cry in vain or a sweep at an empty pitch. It's a cry to God. Its like the isrealites standing at the promised land, looking in but then told to turn around and wander some more in the hot dry dessert. A growing experience for sure. So changed me, yes this year has. So broke me, yes this year has. So created in me a new spirit, yes this year has. Facebook is my bitter enemy and my welcomed copain at the same time. I saw pictures of Pohnpei again....was tagged in a christmas SDA teacher video...why won't the devil let me forget the pain. Instead he reminds me daily of what I've left and where I am. Go ahead. Tell me I'm being immature and that I should MOVE ON. I dare you. Cause so many people have told me that it's a pretty much a given. So did you bother asking ME how I'm doing before giving me some more advice from your comfortable chair in your currently awesome life? I can count on one hand the amount of people who have actually TAKEN THE time (not just in passing, or during your busy schedule penciled me in) to ask or question or stopped to ask how I'm really doing out here.
Everyone has their own struggles. So who helps who if we're all hurting? how do you heal yourself from  anger and bitterness, from unfair treatment and rumors started against you while also trying to be something that you're not at the moment? When do things become focused on you....

So you promised me an email? Haven't seen that in days. When I needed you the most you weren't there. I'd be surprised if you're even still reading this.