New Year

The moment my finger tips touch the keyboard my mind is flooded witht thousands of thoughts, questions and doubts. I'm tired of masking it. of faking it. When my parents got my DVD they said "well you hide it well, in it you looked really happy." I'm tired of hiding it. I'm struggling. I'm giving up....

A New Year has begun. It's offically 2012 for everyone, not just the islands and there is suppose to be an excitment, a hope in a new beginning but I would have to say that this has been the very worst day of my life. Ask me why? I can't even put my finger on it exactly. Tis a culmination I would assume of four months of intense struggle with no answers. That's a long time to go without any seeminly help or comfort. Its a sickening feeling or maybe thats my empty stomach crying for something. I didn't leave my room until 3pm and that even took everything I had to pull my pathetic body out of bed. All my housemates said the moment they saw me was "wow she's alive!" and of course adding in their laughing giggles. I wanted to scream. Look at me, my swollen eyes, my empty demenor, my slouched shoulders, my downcast eyes, my lifeless body. Why take another step today? Why even try today? Its one punch after another....
Having Nikkia here was an absolute life saver....for four days and then i'm back down, flat on my face, balling my eyes out. I finally felt like myself for a few days. I didn't have to hide the negativity anymore (although she definintely had to take the brunt of my struggles these past 4 months she took it well) But it also opened up my eyes to how lonely I really am. I had someone to bounce ideas off of, to hang out with, to do things with when i was bored out of my mind and the second she left I was left with that sickening feeling again. Those tears that won't stop. That "WHY GOD WHY?" I feel like I'm just being dragged through this year, being bruised, tossed, beaten, mud covered...with only the promise that .....5 months is still a long time to endure. And its a constant mind battle. I think "oh 5 months no big deal" adn the next second I have physically fallen to my knees, overwhelemed with the amount of time left. Serving is suppose to be hard, but not this hard. I've given all of me till I have nothing left....

I don't even know where I'm going with any of this. I'm just tired... Tired of trying so hard. Tired of late nights, early mornings, fake smiles, empty prayers, lifeless attitude.