There has been a reoccuring theme in my life that last few weeks. A battle. The last few months have been a struggle for me, and I'm left feeling like a warrior on a battle field, wounded and crying out for a medic. The correlation began when Lauren sent me a song about battle scars and fighting through war a few days ago. After listening to it about ten times I began to put pieces together of moments over the last few weeks that point to my battle. It started when I was sitting in vespers friday night and a youtube video was shown about "the armor of God". It hit me pretty hard and I was reminded of it again when I heard that song.
again another battle to fight...but this time not alone
"The last few months have become a fight, a battle and I am a warrior. I am bruised, bleeding and bewildered but I am still standing. I've stumbled across no mans land with bullets flying by my face and explosions all around. I've been thrown to my knees and my fellow warrior, who is also bruised and bleeding, but never left my side is right there, picking me up and pushing me on. The entire time yelling into my ear about the screams and chaos, "You can do this, we are going to get out of here. We are going to be okay." We are fighting with all our hearts and they while may be in pieces at the moment we've mustered up every ounce of courage and strenght, wraping them tight with bandages and tension, frantically trying to stop the bleeding. But my heart is still beating dispite the damage. Still breathing, pushing through the pain and cold nights, each step with labor and drenched in tears. We stand and we fight."
Shannon and Jessica practiced for hours. With their feet hurting, but smiles on their faces. Inseparable, attached at the hip and always laughing. They were happy together.
They were learning a dance. A dance just for the two of them.
They wanted to get it just right. Since Jessica had a little more experience, she led the dance.
It was only one dance. But they practiced it over and over and over again. At the beginning, it flowed well. As time passed and the dance got a little harder there were a lot of mistakes. Toes were stepped on, maybe bumping foreheads ever so often. Shannon and Jessica’s schedules were different so they didn’t get to practice at the same time every day and the distance between them made coming together to practice pretty difficult. But Shannon took what she could. It was fun and nothing like she had ever experienced before.
As time passed Jessica moved away and Shannon had to stay behind. The two girls promised to still practice their dance even if they weren’t together. Jessica figured that things would still be the same and they would be even better when Shannon joined her the next year.
Shannon and Jessica were anxious to getting back to practicing their dance together. When they finally did, the dance wasn’t the same and things got harder.
They had a lot of work to do. Shannon couldn’t remember a lot of the steps and Jessica got distracted by all the other pairs doing so well.
“Our dance has to be just right and it isn’t!” she thought.
She wanted to fix the mistakes, but they were just made over and over and over again. With no change. Shannon seemed to struggle with the dance but wanted to do her best for Jessica. In need of a break, Jessica took some time off and didn’t go to dance rehearsal for a few weeks.
Little did Shannon know that in her absence, Jessica had met Brad at another dance studio. He was new and looking for a dance partner. Without Shannon there, Jessica figured she could learn a new dance.
“It couldn’t hurt and Shannon will be so proud of me!” she thought.
Now Brad and Jessica are dancing their own dance. It’s new–even they don’t all the steps. She gets frustrated but the smile is ever on her face. Those around her wanter her dance to be perfect for her.
After some time away, Shannon felt like she could come back and start rehearsing again with Jessica. Walking into the studio, she saw how excited her friend was for learning another part of her new dance. She knew her time with Jessica was almost gone.
“Can’t you do both?” Shannon asks Jessica. “I need you.”
“I don’t know how. But I’m willing to make some time for you, we can still work on ours,” Jessica reassured her.
Shannon smiled as the reassurance rang in her ears, “Perfect,” she said and a hope sprang up inside of her that maybe she wouldn't have to dance alone after all.
As the weeks passed, Shannon and Jessica never rehearsed. Shannon stopped dancing. It was too painful to dance by herself. Others would step in for Jessica “until she got back”, but it just wasn’t the same. This time, Shannon knew her partner was gone.
As much as it hurts, Shannon can’t step back in. The hardest part is accepting that. She can’t step back in. She has been replaced. It’s the truth and it hurts. She has been replaced. But the dance Jessica is now dancing with Brad isn’t the same dance, Shannon and Jessica always danced together. There’s some comfort in knowing that their dance will never be replicated. Ever. Because it will always just be between the two of them. Even with that comfort, Shannon has doubts she’ll ever have that dance again.
There’s a new dance she has to learn these days. But this one must be practiced with empty hands and only one set of feet.
Shannon met another girl at the dance studio, Jen.
“Do you want to remember those dance moves with Jessica?” Jen asks Shannon.
“Kinda. They were fun, but I feel like I’m the only one remembering them,” Shannon responds.
“Do you feel like your old dance partner remembers them?” questions Jen.
“No, I’m not even sure she remembers who taught her how to dance in the first place. She's too busy with the new dance." Shannon whispers quietly
In the meantime, Shannon has to dance alone–despite the mistakes made, the pain felt in her feet and legs, the memories with their old dancing partner. She knows that with time and lots of practice she can get stronger, and better off as a dancer because she's learned from her mistakes.
Learning another dance is painful for Shannon. There are new steps she’s not familiar with. It takes time and practice. She has to be patient. But she knows her final dance partner is patiently practicing their own, special dance. Her dance partner that she’ll have forever. She’s learning all these different dances with different dance partners–friends, family, etc–so when he does step in, she’ll be ready.
What do you do when you're heart won't stop hurting? People tell you "you'll be okay, just give it time." Time is the enemy. Time is more waking up to the hurt, it's going to bed with the tears. If you've never experienced heartbreak then the empathy is lacking. But being in the middle of the storm, there is little space for the sun. Clinging to God. Clinging to H.O.P.E - Hold On, Pain Ends. Does it really? Does the pain really ever stop? Feeling the loss on a daily basis is torture. When does the relief come or at least when do the tears lessen? Take a piece of me and throw it out.
"Take your heart out, rip it into pieces, throw it in a blender, then pour it all over the concrete." Lauren Brooks says things well. The feelings are mutual and the pain is present in anothers eyes. I can physically see the pain I feel present in someone else and connect to their heartbreak like no one else can. But more than taking your own heart out, give it to someone else to hold, then watch them do that and feel it happening. Arms are there and tissues are given but its not their arms, and its not their presence. So if no one else can fill that void, I guess its just a part of the heart that will have to be covered up and healed over but never really filled.
No one else fills that space. The love can be overflowing and the support overwhelming from everyone else but it just doesn't reach that one place once filled by them. No one else compares and no one else can comfort.
They are the ones that are never suppose to leave. It's become a choice to walk out and that probably hurts the most. A missing piece is still a part of the puzzle. Can you live with a piece of your heart missing? Or is it really living? "You've been replaced." Try swallowing those words whole. It takes a part of you, a part that dies. Big Picture and real talk, when does the hurting stop?
To start from the beginning would be impossible. But I can start from today and take it one day at a time from here. I know the last few weeks have been a journey I cannot fully explain in words. Black and white on a page. It takes experience, it takes time, it takes heartbreak, and it takes God. So without details here goes the journey.
Today I was given this song by Jana:
What does it boil down to? "You've gotta believe in what you got." If anything there is power in words. Believe them or not, say them. Out loud.
This blog has started over ten times. The lines don’t sound
right. The sentences don’t completely express the full thought. Words just
don’t seem to be able to fully encompass the emotion. Saying this has been a
struggle is an understatement but for lack of a better description at the
moment we’ll stick with that. As I go throughout my day its like there’s always
something missing. Restlessness, an anxious distraction, a purposeless form of
routine. Although I can’t say I’ve yet fallen into anything close to a routine.
School just started 2 days ago but I’ve been here for over two weeks. I would
describe my mental state to that of a hungry six year old in a room full of
toys and chocolate, and being told to sit in a chair, stare and smell but not
move, touch, or taste. Constant chaos. “Give yourself a few weeks” is the
advice I’m given. Learn how to be a student again. “Go study” is what I hear.”
More like a random ramble of a college student stuck in a semester of fear,
doubt and failure. But that’s just how it begins as the anxiety sets in. The
feeling of being completely alone in a crowd of people. Of coming back to a
world I not only don’t fit into but do not understand anymore. Absolutely on a
rollercoaster of emotions and wanting nothing more than to stop the ride and
step off onto a peaceful shore, lay down and give in to the overflow of
tranquility. I find myself wanting one thing but doing the opposite. The
personality and confidence slip through the cracks of a wanting spirit and
waiting heart.
I don’t want to sit in class I want to change the world, be working. I
don’t want to be in the library studying; I want to be out biking, running, and
working the crap out of my midsection. I don’t want to be scheduling my day with lists; I
want to be hanging out with my best friend being crazy and going on adventures.
I don’t want to be crying myself to sleep I want to be smiling and laughing at
the joy and blessings life brings. I don’t want to feel anxious I want to feel
God’s peace and powerful hand leading in my life happenings. I don’t want to be
bitter but have forgiveness beyond my latest circumstances. I don't want to feel like i'm constantly on the edge and any little thing or something someone says set me completely reeling over the edge of emotion and anger.
A good friend of mine sent this to me in an email a few weeks ago. I somehow missed it in my inbox and it became as a "read" status. Cleaning out my emails this morning I came across it and really read it. It speaks a thousand words and brings even more emotion:
"Good-Byes"
After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul; and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask for too much. So plant our own soil instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth. And you learn and you learn. With every good-bye you learn.
- Adam Ricker
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
He NEVER said this would be easy. He JUST said He would be there through it all
