Hope for Hannah

Hannah Carmelle Estrada Banua 

I first met Hannah in my first class of PE with the sophmores in Yap, Micronesia. I tried to calm down the noisy groups of students who were huddled together and somehow hold their attention at the front of the class room for an intro before being able to take them out onto the field to warm up. I was nervous but trying not to let them see my hands shaking and my voice trembling. "Guys, show some respect!" came a high pitched yell from the back of the room. Immediatly the room was silent and all eyes were on me. They had listened and obviously respected whoevers voice that was and I was able to get through my starting lesson without any problems. That voice was Hannah. A leader from the start, she always had a story for me or a smile on her face with a cheery "Goodmorning Miss!" Hannah always gives 100% in everything she does. With an amazing muscial talent I would often walk into Highschool chapel and see her leading out in song service or strumming on a guitar after school as she waited for her siblings. Yap is not a wealthy island and her family (who have come from the phillipines) struggle to keep her and her two other siblings in Adventist education. She is a straight A student and also works part time at her familys small shop downtown Colonia. She is a brillant senior now having graduated from Yap SDA school a few weeks ago. Now ahead of her lies the impossible task of attending medical school in the phillipenes.....impossible on her own, but with your help she can pay the $1,000 / year cost for her to attend AUP (Adventist University of the Phillipines) and become a doctor as she dreams. This is a fraction of what university costs in the states but it can go a long way in helping Hannah and her mother finance her future education. (Adventist University of the Phillippines this is the school Hannah is applying for) 

Jane (Hannah's younger sister) and Hannah 

Hannah has amazing musical talent 

With some friends at school

Hannah has such a joy for life!! :)

These are Hannahs words: 

I'm Hannah Banua, I'm 18 years old, and I'm from the Philippines. My mom, siblings, and I came here to Yap in order to be with my dad who's already been here to work. I've attended Yap SDA School for over 8 years and I have been an outstanding student there,always performing very well with my academic skills. I am also a diligent and competitive student. I have received high honors in elementary and all through out high school.

With my dad earning $800 a month, and with my mom's business that has been down for almost 3 years now, being able to support all our financial needs with school has been difficult and has become a great struggle for me and my family.
All my life I have dreamed of becoming a doctor. When I got to middle school I learned that in order to become a doctor, one must study for at least 4 years of college and another 6 years for med school. It devastated me because that means I'll have to go to school for a very long time, which also means paying a lot of money. I promised myself that I will become a doctor someday. Ever since then, I did my very best in school and making the most in everything I do. I would make my parents proud and made sure that I could help financially. My sister and I applied as a working student --working every after school-- to help pay for our tuition. It paid for $1.00 an hour but it didn't last long when one of our teachers was brutally murdered. My parents made it clear to themselves that it wasn't a safe and secured place for me and my sister to be at. Somehow, we paid our dues little by little over time.
Aside from all the struggles I go through everyday, I like to brighten up people's day. I am a joyful person and I like to make people smile, and helping them in any way I can. Two of my most favorite thing to do is to play the guitar and sing. I also like writing and spend most of my time doing it. I plan to go to college and earn a Bachelor's degree in Medical Laboratory Science which is a field of study that provides knowledge in examining body tissues and fluids to help determine and aid the diagnoses of different diseases on a person. I want to have the skills to conduct different medical tests and manage medical laboratory procedures done on patients. I am determined to finish college and someday become a degree holder. I believe that this course will help me prepare for medical school someday if God willing.

I want with all my heart to see this young womans dreams come true as she strives to work for the Lord daily in all she does. 

If you would like to help fund Hope for Hannah please email me at sophieanderson@southern.edu or call me 905-579-7160. I am in contact with AUP and will give further information on making donations to Hannah directly to AUP through your local bank. 

The funds are wired directly to the Adventist University of the Phillipines under Hannah Banua's name are secure in being sure they are directly used for her tuition and expenses. 

I will keep a update of the funds recieved and how close we are to covering her start up $500 registration fee. 

Loving without expectation

It hit me like a brick this morning. 

“Expectation is the root of all heartbreak” – William Shakespeare. 

This is a concept I’ve heard often and it is also said,

 “Our biggest disappointments in life are unmet expectations."

So what do I EXPECT from my life and more importantly from others I care deeply about?

I am reading the book “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldridge and came across a life changing catalyst chapter this morning as I thought about the struggles I’ve been going through the last few months.

“When you love, you love with everything you’ve got.” Someone whispered to me in a crowded room. “I know, I love too much and now it’s backfiring on me,” was my tearful response. But this morning I see it all in a different light. When a meaningful and important relationship starts it is based on GIVING LOVE. A few years ago a friendship began. It was based on my want for this person to be FULLY loved. There were no selfish expectations of what I WANTED; I simply wanted to see them happy and free. I poured my heart into healing and helping, wanting nothing more than to give them all the love my heart could possibly pour into another human being. So when did that all change? The heartbreak came when I began to look at the relationship from my own disappointment and unmet “expectations.” Personal pride and selfishness begin the downfall of a relationship and this I know to be what I stepped into and fell away with. It began when I stepped into selfishness. It's a regret that has brought a lot of hurt and something I wish I could take back. On page 143 of the book Captivating it says,

 “To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts ENLARGED by suffering.” 

I immediately stopped reading. It sank in deep. Suffering is meant to enlarge our hearts, not cause us to shut down or put up a wall against those who may hurt us again. It is however making the heart bigger to understand those around us and the hurt-filled world we live in. Reminds me of the word “Empathy.” /ˈempəTHē/ Noun: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Synonym of sympathy. So the question I ask myself, 

Why am I so hard on an individual for not fulfilling MY needs or love cup when that is NOT what relationships are all about? and are those needs even reasonable? 

 To go back to the start and see what my ultimate goal was in the first place for the other person is pivotal. It was not to gain love in the way I wanted it but to support and love the other person where they are at and see them in pain, only wanting to alleviate that pain any way possible. The devil wants us to be constantly disappointed by the rejection or even just being let down by the people we love. But the goal is not to receive, rather it is to give. So giving love and pouring our hearts into other people is not a weakness or a character flaw, it is what we expect in return that can do the most harm. It is the selfish expecation of the heart that will end up hurting the other person we are trying to deeply love. To stop loving is to be afraid of not being loved in return but 1 Peter 3:6 says, “Do not give way to fear.” And it is mentioned in the bible 365 times “Do not be afraid” one for every day of the year.

It is summed up perfectly, unselfishly; love at its core in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

Love is patient

Love is kind

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING

It is not easily angered

It keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth.

It always protects, always TRUSTS, always hopes and always perseveres.

“God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not always give us what we so DESPERATELY want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more substantive than our health. He is restoring and growing us in eternal weight of glory (have yet to understand this part…). And sometimes ….it hurts”. - Stasi Eldridge, Captivating

Yes, sometimes it hurts so much emotionally that it can cause physical pain yet at the same time at least there is a purpose for the hurt. It is to enlarge the heart. Makes me think of The Grinch in the movie The Grinch that Stole Christmas when at the end he is in terrible pain because his heart grew three sizes that day. It is hard to go through the loss of love however the heart must grow with time, not shrink from pain.

“The scariest thing about distance is whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” 

There it is again. Scary. Fear. I fear being forgotten by someone I could never forget. But that is not my battle to fight. Lives are lived as individual and I must accept someone else may move on with theirs, find happiness in someone or something else, and for me to be okay with that. Strong enough on my own two feet to know I am STILL worth loving and fighting for no matter what. I now realize to love someone is to let them go. This sounds contrary to popular belief, wouldn't you cling to someone if you love them? If their happiness involved me and I am included in their giving of love then awesome, if not then that is not my place to hold and handing that persons hear heart off to someone else to love and care for is the ultimate form of love. 

“The best things in life are unexpected because there were no expectations” –Eli Khamarov

Sometimes you have to realize you are not a part of someone else’s happiness and trying to force your life into a form of theirs will only create their unhappiness along with your own heartbreak. If you really LOVE them, your only goal is to see them happy, with or without you. (A lesson long in coming:( Which brings up another point I have really been struggling with. Jealousy. But not jealousy of talent, or looks or possessions but rather the type of jealous heart that wants to be loved in return. The heart that has difficulty seeing their place in someone else's life being filled by someone or something else. A selfish heart. It is very hard to watch someone you love, pour their love into somone or something else but if that is what makes them happy, UNCONIDTIONAL love would be overjoyed that they are finding fufillment, even apart from me. 

"Our focus needs to shift from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beauty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love."

This might be a completely different subject but its spring boards off another point of the endless striving to be happy, in relationships, in life, in all we do. 

“What screws us up most in life is the pictures in our heads of what it’s SUPPOSE to be.”

 This world was made to be perfect, for us to live in perfect harmony so that is exactly what our hearts long for. But we will never have that here on earth, so catch the phrase 20/20. Paul says it perfectly when he states, “I have learned to be content”. He does not say I have learned to be HAPPY, but content. So why are we striving so much to be happy if this earth is not what it was suppose to be. No it is a matter of being content with the discontent of our lives. We can expect trials but it does not mean that life cannot be beautiful. To have a peace that passes understanding, because with logic we should be discouraged, depressed and unhappy with this life, it is NOT what GOD created us to experience.

So this requires Trust. Trust in a God who has said we are beautiful and WORTH so much to Him that He would die on the cross just for you and you alone. Me and myself alone. Beauty is truly not only skin deep, but also rather a soul that knows, believes and TRUSTS that they are unique and IRREPLACEABLE to someone.

In Summary: “Act without expectation” –Lao Tzu. Love is selfless. Love without expectation. You might be surprised 

I hate publishing because it means personal accountability even when I do not always feel it. When I want to go back to selfish desires and love.....however it must be a part of life and growth. 

The Battle

          There has been a reoccuring theme in my life that last few weeks. A battle. The last few months have been a struggle for me, and I'm left feeling like a warrior on a battle field, wounded and crying out for a medic. The correlation began when Lauren sent me a song about battle scars and fighting through war a few days ago. After listening to it about ten times I began to put pieces together of moments over the last few weeks that point to my battle. It started when I was sitting in vespers friday night and a youtube video was shown about "the armor of God". It hit me pretty hard and I was reminded of it again when I heard that song.

again another battle to fight...but this time not alone

"The last few months have become a fight, a battle and I am a warrior. I am bruised, bleeding and bewildered but I am still standing. I've stumbled across no mans land with bullets flying by my face and explosions all around. I've been thrown to my knees and my fellow warrior, who is also bruised and bleeding, but never left my side is right there, picking me up and pushing me on. The entire time yelling into my ear about the screams and chaos, "You can do this, we are going to get out of here. We are going to be okay." We are fighting with all our hearts and they while may be in pieces at the moment we've mustered up every ounce of courage and strenght, wraping them tight with bandages and tension, frantically trying to stop the bleeding. But my heart is still beating dispite the damage. Still breathing, pushing through the pain and cold nights, each step with labor and drenched in tears. We stand and we fight." 

The Dance

Shannon and Jessica practiced for hours. With their feet hurting, but smiles on their faces. Inseparable, attached at the hip and always laughing. They were happy together. 

They were learning a dance. A dance just for the two of them.

They wanted to get it just right. Since Jessica had a little more experience, she led the dance.

It was only one dance. But they practiced it over and over and over again. At the beginning, it flowed well. As time passed and the dance got a little harder there were a lot of mistakes. Toes were stepped on, maybe bumping foreheads ever so often. Shannon and Jessica’s schedules were different so they didn’t get to practice at the same time every day and the distance between them made coming together to practice pretty difficult. But Shannon took what she could. It was fun and nothing like she had ever experienced before.

As time passed Jessica moved away and Shannon had to stay behind. The two girls promised to still practice their dance even if they weren’t together. Jessica figured that things would still be the same and they would be even better when Shannon joined her the next year.

Shannon and Jessica were anxious to getting back to practicing their dance together. When they finally did, the dance wasn’t the same and things got harder. 

They had a lot of work to do. Shannon couldn’t remember a lot of the steps and Jessica got distracted by all the other pairs doing so well.

“Our dance has to be just right and it isn’t!” she thought.  

She wanted to fix the mistakes, but they were just made over and over and over again. With no change. Shannon seemed to struggle with the dance but wanted to do her best for Jessica. In need of a break, Jessica took some time off and didn’t go to dance rehearsal for a few weeks.

Little did Shannon know that in her absence, Jessica had met Brad at another dance studio. He was new and looking for a dance partner. Without Shannon there, Jessica figured she could learn a new dance.

“It couldn’t hurt and Shannon will be so proud of me!” she thought. 

Now Brad and Jessica are dancing their own dance. It’s new–even they don’t all the steps. She gets frustrated but the smile is ever on her face. Those around her wanter her dance to be perfect for her.

After some time away, Shannon felt like she could come back and start rehearsing again with Jessica. Walking into the studio, she saw how excited her friend was for learning another part of her new dance. She knew her time with Jessica was almost gone.

“Can’t you do both?” Shannon asks Jessica. “I need you.”

“I don’t know how. But I’m willing to make some time for you, we can still work on ours,” Jessica reassured her.

Shannon smiled as the reassurance rang in her ears, “Perfect,” she said and a hope sprang up inside of her that maybe she wouldn't have to dance alone after all. 

As the weeks passed, Shannon and Jessica never rehearsed. Shannon stopped dancing. It was too painful to dance by herself. Others would step in for Jessica “until she got back”, but it just wasn’t the same. This time, Shannon knew her partner was gone. 

As much as it hurts, Shannon can’t step back in. The hardest part is accepting that. She can’t step back in. She has been replaced. It’s the truth and it hurts. She has been replaced. But the dance Jessica is now dancing with Brad isn’t the same dance, Shannon and Jessica always danced together. There’s some comfort in knowing that their dance will never be replicated. Ever. Because it will always just be between the two of them. Even with that comfort, Shannon has doubts she’ll ever have that dance again.

There’s a new dance she has to learn these days. But this one must be practiced with empty hands and only one set of feet. 

Shannon met another girl at the dance studio, Jen. 

“Do you want to remember those dance moves with Jessica?” Jen asks Shannon.

“Kinda. They were fun, but I feel like I’m the only one remembering them,” Shannon responds.

“Do you feel like your old dance partner remembers them?” questions Jen.

“No, I’m not even sure she remembers who taught her how to dance in the first place. She's too busy with the new dance." Shannon whispers quietly 

In the meantime, Shannon has to dance alone–despite the mistakes made, the pain felt in her feet and legs, the memories with their old dancing partner. She knows that with time and lots of practice she can get stronger, and better off as a dancer because she's learned from her mistakes.

Learning another dance is painful for Shannon. There are new steps she’s not familiar with. It takes time and practice. She has to be patient. But she knows her final dance partner is patiently practicing their own, special dance. Her dance partner that she’ll have forever. She’s learning all these different dances with different dance partners–friends, family, etc–so when he does step in, she’ll be ready.

When a Heart Breaks

What do you do when you're heart won't stop hurting? People tell you "you'll be okay, just give it time." Time is the enemy. Time is more waking up to the hurt, it's going to bed with the tears. If you've never experienced heartbreak then the empathy is lacking. But being in the middle of the storm, there is little space for the sun. Clinging to God. Clinging to H.O.P.E - Hold On, Pain Ends. Does it really? Does the pain really ever stop? Feeling the loss on a daily basis is torture. When does the relief come or at least when do the tears lessen? Take a piece of me and throw it out.

"Take your heart out, rip it into pieces, throw it in a blender, then pour it all over the concrete." Lauren Brooks says things well. The feelings are mutual and the pain is present in anothers eyes. I can physically see the pain I feel present in someone else and connect to their heartbreak like no one else can. But more than taking your own heart out, give it to someone else to hold, then watch them do that and feel it happening. Arms are there and tissues are given but its not their arms, and its not their presence. So if no one else can fill that void, I guess its just a part of the heart that will have to be covered up and healed over but never really filled.
No one else fills that space. The love can be overflowing and the support overwhelming from everyone else but it just doesn't reach that one place once filled by them. No one else compares and no one else can comfort.

They are the ones that are never suppose to leave. It's become a choice to walk out and that probably hurts the most. A missing piece is still a part of the puzzle. Can you live with a piece of your heart missing? Or is it really living? "You've been replaced." Try swallowing those words whole. It takes a part of you, a part that dies. Big Picture and real talk, when does the hurting stop?

Believe

To start from the beginning would be impossible. But I can start from today and take it one day at a time from here. I know the last few weeks have been a journey I cannot fully explain in words. Black and white on a page. It takes experience, it takes time, it takes heartbreak, and it takes God. So without details here goes the journey.

Today I was given this song by Jana:
What does it boil down to? "You've gotta believe in what you got." If anything there is power in words. Believe them or not, say them. Out loud.

Worn Out

       This blog has started over ten times. The lines don’t sound right. The sentences don’t completely express the full thought. Words just don’t seem to be able to fully encompass the emotion. Saying this has been a struggle is an understatement but for lack of a better description at the moment we’ll stick with that. As I go throughout my day its like there’s always something missing. Restlessness, an anxious distraction, a purposeless form of routine. Although I can’t say I’ve yet fallen into anything close to a routine. School just started 2 days ago but I’ve been here for over two weeks. I would describe my mental state to that of a hungry six year old in a room full of toys and chocolate, and being told to sit in a chair, stare and smell but not move, touch, or taste. Constant chaos. “Give yourself a few weeks” is the advice I’m given. Learn how to be a student again. “Go study” is what I hear.” More like a random ramble of a college student stuck in a semester of fear, doubt and failure. But that’s just how it begins as the anxiety sets in. The feeling of being completely alone in a crowd of people. Of coming back to a world I not only don’t fit into but do not understand anymore. Absolutely on a rollercoaster of emotions and wanting nothing more than to stop the ride and step off onto a peaceful shore, lay down and give in to the overflow of tranquility. I find myself wanting one thing but doing the opposite. The personality and confidence slip through the cracks of a wanting spirit and waiting heart.

      I don’t want to sit in class I want to change the world, be working. I don’t want to be in the library studying; I want to be out biking, running, and working the crap out of my midsection. I don’t want to be scheduling my day with lists; I want to be hanging out with my best friend being crazy and going on adventures. I don’t want to be crying myself to sleep I want to be smiling and laughing at the joy and blessings life brings. I don’t want to feel anxious I want to feel God’s peace and powerful hand leading in my life happenings. I don’t want to be bitter but have forgiveness beyond my latest circumstances. I don't want to feel like i'm constantly on the edge and any little thing or something someone says set me completely reeling over the edge of emotion and anger. 

Worn-Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too week

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes