Music helps.
I cling to the words of these songs.
Healer - you hold my every moment. you CALM my raging sea. you walk WITH ME through FIRE and heal all my disease. I trust in You. Lord I trust in you. I believe you're my healer. I believe you are all I need. I believe you're my portion. I believe you're more than enough for me.
From my aunt today:
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
I had a really good talk with Kristie Cain today. We had never really hung out at Southern that much but I had always admired her care and positive attitude for all of us who worked for her on the fitness floor (she was our manager:) She just randomly came on facebook and said Hi. It was nice talking with her and we got into what was going on in our lives at the moment. I realized, hearing her struggles as well, that I have been so internally focused that I can't even see those struggling around me. Sometimes all I can see is my pain. But I have so much support, so many prayers, so many people I want to let them know how much they mean to me for taking the time to contact me. We decided to keep eachother accountable. I hope that I can keep this. I know that these days when I can take a step back and see a bigger pictures are few and very far between but I have to cling to them. When my vision is blurred by tears, I still read the facebook messages and emails, I still see the links on my wall from those who care. I mention to her that I was kind of upset that we didn't get to really become friends at Southern but she just said "God puts people in our lives at the time that we need them the most. Maybe this was our time." She is so right. I can say "I wish this, or I wish that had happened sooner, or in this situation I really wish this hadn't have happened" but God knows....I type that with hesitation and fear. But it's true. he does. So to those who have taken the time out of their busy schedules and lives to message me, even just a phrase or picture, to let me know they are praying for me, I can't thank you enough. YOU are the reason I am still here, still fighting everyday, still serving in Yap.
I tried this in Pohnpei too. I wanted to keep track of everything! have a prayer journal, a journal, a blog, a prayer list, make new traditions, keep a list of what I get from people, to stay in touch. Its overhwhelming and now I don't have my best friend Britt to help me:(
i want to believe the lyrics that i hear, i want to be able to say them and MEAN them. but i don't. they're nice words and i wish they were true for me, but they aren't. right now, i don't believe. i don't feel Him calming me. i don't feel like He's with me. i don't feel like i'm trusting Him. i don't believe that He's more than enough for me. i'm still fighting it so hard. i still struggle so much with even wanting to talk to Him. i don't pray anymore. i don't read anything. i don't listen when people try to direct me to Him or share verses, etc. this year was supposed to be the year that i grow with Him, in Him. and it's completely the opposite.
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