Sunday, January 29, 2012
Feeling the HURT
It hit hard. Opening up my facebook and reading that first line from my coachs status "Lost my first gymmaster this morning to the sleep called Death." I literally couldn't breathe. The tears came instantly and I can't really express the pain of loosing a friend to such a horrible thing as cancer. She had such a beautiful smile and joy for life. This life is hard and she will be missed terribly. Today is going to be a challenge and being so far away from it all, all I can do is bow my head and pray for the thousands of other friends and family feeling the huge loss of such an incredible person. Daphne Knecht fought hard. She was a fighter through it all, never letting the situation or her condition dampen her faith. She is a true inspiration to us all. Will never forget her or the impact she has had on my life. <3
Saturday, January 28, 2012
All the Broken Pieces
Take a deep breath. Seems to be a burden. Here I go into another week feeling inadequate and unmotivated. Teaching (no matter what the subject) can be a very humbling experience. I pretty much like i've failed at it every day. I could have taught that differently. I shouldn't have said that. I should have, should have this, should have that... Really puts your flaws and wants out in the spot light. At least for me it does. It humbles and punishes.
so I turn on my itunes, push earphones into my ears to try and tune out the thoughts and focus. Then the words come and flood over me. Matthew West; All the broken pieces.
No matter what you are going through. What you are facing in life right now. How inadequate or a failure you feel God is there, asking you to give it all to Him. I'm still figuring out "how" to do this. How to just "leave it in God's hands". The verse that comes to mind is "Be Still and know that I AM GOD." He will take very mistake and has already taken them on himself. So join me in letting go and letting God :)This life cannot be done on our own. I find myself falling to my knees every night realizing that my attempts today were just that....attempts. So I hope God can create success out of my weakness and mistakes.
so I turn on my itunes, push earphones into my ears to try and tune out the thoughts and focus. Then the words come and flood over me. Matthew West; All the broken pieces.
Did you feel, feel it break
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost
Feels like your innocence is lost
So much for the perfect life
So much for the perfect day
It's like no matter how you try
Perfection's just too far away
So lift them up to Me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life
Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you
And no one loves you like I do
And that's the beauty of this grace
It can put the pieces back in place
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways
I can take even your greatest mistake
Every scar, every tear, every break
And I can turn it in to something more beautiful
Than you have ever seen
So lift them up to Me
No matter what you are going through. What you are facing in life right now. How inadequate or a failure you feel God is there, asking you to give it all to Him. I'm still figuring out "how" to do this. How to just "leave it in God's hands". The verse that comes to mind is "Be Still and know that I AM GOD." He will take very mistake and has already taken them on himself. So join me in letting go and letting God :)This life cannot be done on our own. I find myself falling to my knees every night realizing that my attempts today were just that....attempts. So I hope God can create success out of my weakness and mistakes.
Sabbath surprises:)
Okay after skyping awesome people, winning dutch blitz by a HUGE comback and journalling for 2 hours I think this blog post is way overdue:)
Weekends are such a welcomed event here for me! I would say when I was at southern "TGIF" and usually complete the friday with an early load of laundry, lunch with a friend and dress up (peacock) time for vespers. But here its a whole other ball game. I don't think I've ever been able to truly say the welcomed phrase "THANK GOODNESS it's friday" until this year. Last week Jenessa emailed the SM's and announced that we could skype Southern for the afterglow program to talk to friends or outgoing SM's. I got pretty excited. The time was set for 12:30 my time and 9:30pm Tennesse time after vespers. In turn I decided to stay back because church is thirty minutes away plus potluck equals Sophie would NOT be back in time for any of those skype times. We have to have someone with us at all times ...can't be alone so Andrea said she would stay back with me since it's hard to travel with her leg in a cast and PLUS she is from southern so it worked out perfectly. We tried to stream the vespers program but no luck... that's not much of a surprise. Even plugged in and turning off wireless and with NO ONE else on campus it still does not have the power to stream anything faster than a slideshow of pictures. I was kind of disapointed to be signed off skype seeing no one i knew or come talk to me. Jenessa said she would call back if anyone came and asked for me. Kind of opened my eyes to how many of my friends have left southern...but then I got the call back :) It was exactly what I needed to see, the two smiling faces of some very beautiful people in my life. Juliana McGraw and Lauren Brooks:) had a nice conversation with them and really laughed at the comment they made "so will you go to the beach by the ocean and get a tan that will make us jealous." HAHA I had to gracefully inform them that aside from even my own preconcieved idea of the "islands"there is no ocean access where we are except a muddy lagoon and the fruit consists of coconuts and bananas and tarro :) It was blessed to talk with them, really lifted my spirits.
Last week was quite the experience! I have started teaching HS science classes and if you know me AT ALL you would know that I dispise the science. When I say that this year is "stretching me" that is an understatment. I am being stretched beyond my wildest dreams...or nightmares lol. I did make my students aware of this fact (my dislike of the sciences) before I started teaching but also made them excited that we would be ...learning together... One of the students said "I use to like chemistry, but this year I hate it..." well thats what i'm walking in to.. So one week down I was hoping it would only be two weeks, but the computer lab renovation is taking much longer than expected so who knows how long these kids will have to suffer through me teaching chemistry, physical science, and senior physics. Its a challenge.
The temperature with no signs of slowing down. Teaching is not only fighting with student discipline or trying to get them to listen but also to try and ignore the dripping of sweat off your body with the heat of the blazin sun. I was told it only gets hotter in the next few months. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. This is the canadian talking, no i will NEVER acclimatize.
So my challenge this week. Try and get the students to enjoy or at least participate in football. I've been trying for weeks and its an uphill battle. This teaching aspect is really starting to take a backburner when more of my time is spent just trying to get them to step onto the field.
My PE dept. Southern family has been an absolute lifeline to me this year. I ask for a web site to order equipment they send it. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and its amazing how every single act, down to a note in the mail can really make my day.
So advice for today (after playing the "at least" game with Andrea) "don't take your friends for granted. you'll miss them like everything when they're gone."
Weekends are such a welcomed event here for me! I would say when I was at southern "TGIF" and usually complete the friday with an early load of laundry, lunch with a friend and dress up (peacock) time for vespers. But here its a whole other ball game. I don't think I've ever been able to truly say the welcomed phrase "THANK GOODNESS it's friday" until this year. Last week Jenessa emailed the SM's and announced that we could skype Southern for the afterglow program to talk to friends or outgoing SM's. I got pretty excited. The time was set for 12:30 my time and 9:30pm Tennesse time after vespers. In turn I decided to stay back because church is thirty minutes away plus potluck equals Sophie would NOT be back in time for any of those skype times. We have to have someone with us at all times ...can't be alone so Andrea said she would stay back with me since it's hard to travel with her leg in a cast and PLUS she is from southern so it worked out perfectly. We tried to stream the vespers program but no luck... that's not much of a surprise. Even plugged in and turning off wireless and with NO ONE else on campus it still does not have the power to stream anything faster than a slideshow of pictures. I was kind of disapointed to be signed off skype seeing no one i knew or come talk to me. Jenessa said she would call back if anyone came and asked for me. Kind of opened my eyes to how many of my friends have left southern...but then I got the call back :) It was exactly what I needed to see, the two smiling faces of some very beautiful people in my life. Juliana McGraw and Lauren Brooks:) had a nice conversation with them and really laughed at the comment they made "so will you go to the beach by the ocean and get a tan that will make us jealous." HAHA I had to gracefully inform them that aside from even my own preconcieved idea of the "islands"there is no ocean access where we are except a muddy lagoon and the fruit consists of coconuts and bananas and tarro :) It was blessed to talk with them, really lifted my spirits.
Last week was quite the experience! I have started teaching HS science classes and if you know me AT ALL you would know that I dispise the science. When I say that this year is "stretching me" that is an understatment. I am being stretched beyond my wildest dreams...or nightmares lol. I did make my students aware of this fact (my dislike of the sciences) before I started teaching but also made them excited that we would be ...learning together... One of the students said "I use to like chemistry, but this year I hate it..." well thats what i'm walking in to.. So one week down I was hoping it would only be two weeks, but the computer lab renovation is taking much longer than expected so who knows how long these kids will have to suffer through me teaching chemistry, physical science, and senior physics. Its a challenge.
The temperature with no signs of slowing down. Teaching is not only fighting with student discipline or trying to get them to listen but also to try and ignore the dripping of sweat off your body with the heat of the blazin sun. I was told it only gets hotter in the next few months. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. This is the canadian talking, no i will NEVER acclimatize.
So my challenge this week. Try and get the students to enjoy or at least participate in football. I've been trying for weeks and its an uphill battle. This teaching aspect is really starting to take a backburner when more of my time is spent just trying to get them to step onto the field.
My PE dept. Southern family has been an absolute lifeline to me this year. I ask for a web site to order equipment they send it. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and its amazing how every single act, down to a note in the mail can really make my day.
So advice for today (after playing the "at least" game with Andrea) "don't take your friends for granted. you'll miss them like everything when they're gone."
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Wake Up
I need a reality check every once in a while. A reminder that I'm not living on ME planet. It's not an easy thing to hear but its nessisary.
These "problems" and "challenges"I have faced in the last 5 months pale in comparison to what I see going on around me in this world. And as much as I've complained and cried and been beaten down, this is temporary. There is an end to this for me but for many others, thier faith stay strong even in the face of a lifetime of hurt or injury or disease or even death.
So I have a lot of growing up to do. But I can almost put it down to the second. The buck stops here. So yes, that was very painful but needed. Not to be heard the way it hit me off my feet. I fight it but it's true. Putting down the pity card and all my feelings aside I press on through today. I will get through this and I have a lot to be thankful for. So putting it nicely "wake up".
These "problems" and "challenges"I have faced in the last 5 months pale in comparison to what I see going on around me in this world. And as much as I've complained and cried and been beaten down, this is temporary. There is an end to this for me but for many others, thier faith stay strong even in the face of a lifetime of hurt or injury or disease or even death.
So I have a lot of growing up to do. But I can almost put it down to the second. The buck stops here. So yes, that was very painful but needed. Not to be heard the way it hit me off my feet. I fight it but it's true. Putting down the pity card and all my feelings aside I press on through today. I will get through this and I have a lot to be thankful for. So putting it nicely "wake up".
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
prisons, titles and tales
Whenever I go to start a blog I become extremely overwhelmed with almost 5 months of unrecorded events, findings, struggles, challenges, and new experiences. Its a whole different world here. A culture focused no longer on time and schedules but rather on details and routine. I guess I have to start somewhere and build on the previous thoughts and figures.
Being in Yap for almost five months now there's a lot that has happened that I can't even begin to describe. I can break it into two main categories of struggles and experiences. As hard as this year has been the plain fact of day is that there have been both the new adventures which are completely separated from the struggles. Describing days and events is one thing but what has happened during those long lonely nights of tears and lonliness are not one in one the same. So while remembering that none of this has been in a walk in the park there are things yet to be learned and seen around here despite the "prision like status" I usually protray about this school. "I want to run away with God." That was my plan. That was my goal. I must say it was not in this manner though. God has taught me more than I could have ever even dreamed before this year.
Prison: Not wanting to make it sound completely negative yet at the same time capturing exactly how I feel about it, that is exactly how I would describe living on this campus. It is a place, confinement, where one cannot leave unless accompanied with at least two other people. Here I even have some liberty in saying its not as bad for me since I can go to town for office runs or finances with Lorraine the accountant if need be. I can't say I've ever been an avid runner but it seems the moment you CAN'T have something, you all of a sudden REALLY want it...if that makes any sense? Well the moment I am told I have to run around in circles (IN FRONT of all the buildings which makes the track even smaller) thats when a HUGE urge and desire to run free burns within me. I had the greenway, biology trail, campus, anywhere to run along at southern but did I use it....I'm embarrased to say no. I only ran the biology trail once and the greenway maybe four times in my 3 years at southern... I've seen a movie or two (lol) since coming to the islands depicting american culture (the form of which I even desired to "escape" this year) and every one has seemed to show a runner, in the big city, on a country road or path and I think to myself how badly I would like to do that. We have now discovered the workout insanity for a few months but boredom sucked us out of that routine and now we're down to running back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
Heat: Okay if I haven't said this in any of my previous blogs (not that many of my blogs have really focused on anything other than pain and struggles...) the heat here is at times, unbearable. I must say however setting up our christmas decorations here in the apartment in shorts and with a line of sweat running down my back, was definitely a new experience. I can't even say I don't enjoy the heat. Even when I'm outside in the blazin sun, blowing my whistle for PE and feeling the sweat accumulate and run down every inch of me the only thought that comes to mind is "I think I'm going to miss this weather..." :)
Teaching: A challenge in the word itself. I never realized the responsibility brought on just by introducing yourself as "Miss so-and-so." It was fun at first being called Miss Anderson in Pohnpei but now the last name has been dropped and the shrill sounds of a student yelling "MMMIIIISSSSS!" does not appeal to my ear drums any more. I have adopted the title "coach" since coming to Yap and that title is one that I do not mind the least bit (sounds stuck up I know) BUT for me the two most influential people in my educational life have been my coaches. Specifically my gymnastic coaches. If I can be a fraction of what they were/are to me and how they have changed my life for the better than I would feel like I've done something good this year.
I have taught almost every grade on this campus excluding grades 1, 4, 8. My origonal position in coming to Yap was to teach second grade. After two weeks of being in that classroom I didn't think I would make it through another day. There was my first move. It was then seen that they needed a substitute in grade 3 as one of the SM's had come down with apedicitis and had to go on leave for surgery (this is an ENTIRE experience all on its own!!) I spent 3 weeks subsituting. Then the option presented to me was to teach kindergarten in the mornings and then work the office in the afternoon or start a PE class for the Highschool kids. I immediatly jumped at the chance to be back in secondary education. That was my origonal plan. Those where the kids I had fallen in love with after only three weeks in Pohnpei. The high schoolers. Of course nothing could be stable for more than two weeks so this time, actually in a few days, I was moving out of kindergarten for the morning and into the office as the secretary and teaching HS PE and health in the afternoons. With a few morning breaks of teaching grade 5 and again substituting grade 3 for three weeks again after christmas I am back in the office for the mornings and HS PE and health in the afternoons (knock on wood). I salute all elementary school teachers, no I bow down to you lol. Everyday was a battle, a fight, to keep patience and calm in the midst of chaos. You feel unappreciated. Your hours of work sometimes go unoticesd and its just plain exhausting.
Earthquakes: This one is pretty self explanatory. I would have said just "earthquake" as of three months ago BUT as of last week we experienced our third substantial earth trembling terror. I cannot say that any of them even came close to the feeling of that first 5.8 earthquake about a month after I arrived in Yap. Standing on the deck with grocery bags filling my hands and Sabrina clinging to my arm yelling and screaming... there's an experience for you. It's absolutely terrifying to wake up to your bed shaking and trying to stand up in the middle of one of those earthquakes.
To wear or not to wear?: THERE SHOULDN'T BE A QUESTION lol. Yap is known for its local garb of ....well less. It is common to see topless women (mostly from the outer islands). You never get use to it...
Today was an absolute chaotic mess in the office. After trying to give out all the tardy slips to about 30 late students, cleaning up vomit from the lobby, taking all the cellphones and ipods from the students, recording tuition payments, clearing the stipend list, calling all parents for discipline, entering report card grades for the principal, answering the screaming phone, copying for first grade, shooing all high school students trying to skip class out of the office, I sat down and took a deep breath. Typical morning I thought.
Seems to be my constant struggle with PE. To tranfer my love of sports to these students. But thats a whole other topic for another day. Its time for yet another airport run. This time a one AM stint. Andrea, our registrar, who left because of dengue fever a few months ago is now returning once again to our small isalnd of Yap. So for now I'm exhausted and not ready for tomorrow. Hopefully this can continue with more in time to come...
Being in Yap for almost five months now there's a lot that has happened that I can't even begin to describe. I can break it into two main categories of struggles and experiences. As hard as this year has been the plain fact of day is that there have been both the new adventures which are completely separated from the struggles. Describing days and events is one thing but what has happened during those long lonely nights of tears and lonliness are not one in one the same. So while remembering that none of this has been in a walk in the park there are things yet to be learned and seen around here despite the "prision like status" I usually protray about this school. "I want to run away with God." That was my plan. That was my goal. I must say it was not in this manner though. God has taught me more than I could have ever even dreamed before this year.
Prison: Not wanting to make it sound completely negative yet at the same time capturing exactly how I feel about it, that is exactly how I would describe living on this campus. It is a place, confinement, where one cannot leave unless accompanied with at least two other people. Here I even have some liberty in saying its not as bad for me since I can go to town for office runs or finances with Lorraine the accountant if need be. I can't say I've ever been an avid runner but it seems the moment you CAN'T have something, you all of a sudden REALLY want it...if that makes any sense? Well the moment I am told I have to run around in circles (IN FRONT of all the buildings which makes the track even smaller) thats when a HUGE urge and desire to run free burns within me. I had the greenway, biology trail, campus, anywhere to run along at southern but did I use it....I'm embarrased to say no. I only ran the biology trail once and the greenway maybe four times in my 3 years at southern... I've seen a movie or two (lol) since coming to the islands depicting american culture (the form of which I even desired to "escape" this year) and every one has seemed to show a runner, in the big city, on a country road or path and I think to myself how badly I would like to do that. We have now discovered the workout insanity for a few months but boredom sucked us out of that routine and now we're down to running back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
Heat: Okay if I haven't said this in any of my previous blogs (not that many of my blogs have really focused on anything other than pain and struggles...) the heat here is at times, unbearable. I must say however setting up our christmas decorations here in the apartment in shorts and with a line of sweat running down my back, was definitely a new experience. I can't even say I don't enjoy the heat. Even when I'm outside in the blazin sun, blowing my whistle for PE and feeling the sweat accumulate and run down every inch of me the only thought that comes to mind is "I think I'm going to miss this weather..." :)
Teaching: A challenge in the word itself. I never realized the responsibility brought on just by introducing yourself as "Miss so-and-so." It was fun at first being called Miss Anderson in Pohnpei but now the last name has been dropped and the shrill sounds of a student yelling "MMMIIIISSSSS!" does not appeal to my ear drums any more. I have adopted the title "coach" since coming to Yap and that title is one that I do not mind the least bit (sounds stuck up I know) BUT for me the two most influential people in my educational life have been my coaches. Specifically my gymnastic coaches. If I can be a fraction of what they were/are to me and how they have changed my life for the better than I would feel like I've done something good this year.
I have taught almost every grade on this campus excluding grades 1, 4, 8. My origonal position in coming to Yap was to teach second grade. After two weeks of being in that classroom I didn't think I would make it through another day. There was my first move. It was then seen that they needed a substitute in grade 3 as one of the SM's had come down with apedicitis and had to go on leave for surgery (this is an ENTIRE experience all on its own!!) I spent 3 weeks subsituting. Then the option presented to me was to teach kindergarten in the mornings and then work the office in the afternoon or start a PE class for the Highschool kids. I immediatly jumped at the chance to be back in secondary education. That was my origonal plan. Those where the kids I had fallen in love with after only three weeks in Pohnpei. The high schoolers. Of course nothing could be stable for more than two weeks so this time, actually in a few days, I was moving out of kindergarten for the morning and into the office as the secretary and teaching HS PE and health in the afternoons. With a few morning breaks of teaching grade 5 and again substituting grade 3 for three weeks again after christmas I am back in the office for the mornings and HS PE and health in the afternoons (knock on wood). I salute all elementary school teachers, no I bow down to you lol. Everyday was a battle, a fight, to keep patience and calm in the midst of chaos. You feel unappreciated. Your hours of work sometimes go unoticesd and its just plain exhausting.
Earthquakes: This one is pretty self explanatory. I would have said just "earthquake" as of three months ago BUT as of last week we experienced our third substantial earth trembling terror. I cannot say that any of them even came close to the feeling of that first 5.8 earthquake about a month after I arrived in Yap. Standing on the deck with grocery bags filling my hands and Sabrina clinging to my arm yelling and screaming... there's an experience for you. It's absolutely terrifying to wake up to your bed shaking and trying to stand up in the middle of one of those earthquakes.
To wear or not to wear?: THERE SHOULDN'T BE A QUESTION lol. Yap is known for its local garb of ....well less. It is common to see topless women (mostly from the outer islands). You never get use to it...
Today was an absolute chaotic mess in the office. After trying to give out all the tardy slips to about 30 late students, cleaning up vomit from the lobby, taking all the cellphones and ipods from the students, recording tuition payments, clearing the stipend list, calling all parents for discipline, entering report card grades for the principal, answering the screaming phone, copying for first grade, shooing all high school students trying to skip class out of the office, I sat down and took a deep breath. Typical morning I thought.
Seems to be my constant struggle with PE. To tranfer my love of sports to these students. But thats a whole other topic for another day. Its time for yet another airport run. This time a one AM stint. Andrea, our registrar, who left because of dengue fever a few months ago is now returning once again to our small isalnd of Yap. So for now I'm exhausted and not ready for tomorrow. Hopefully this can continue with more in time to come...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year
The moment my finger tips touch the keyboard my mind is flooded witht thousands of thoughts, questions and doubts. I'm tired of masking it. of faking it. When my parents got my DVD they said "well you hide it well, in it you looked really happy." I'm tired of hiding it. I'm struggling. I'm giving up....
A New Year has begun. It's offically 2012 for everyone, not just the islands and there is suppose to be an excitment, a hope in a new beginning but I would have to say that this has been the very worst day of my life. Ask me why? I can't even put my finger on it exactly. Tis a culmination I would assume of four months of intense struggle with no answers. That's a long time to go without any seeminly help or comfort. Its a sickening feeling or maybe thats my empty stomach crying for something. I didn't leave my room until 3pm and that even took everything I had to pull my pathetic body out of bed. All my housemates said the moment they saw me was "wow she's alive!" and of course adding in their laughing giggles. I wanted to scream. Look at me, my swollen eyes, my empty demenor, my slouched shoulders, my downcast eyes, my lifeless body. Why take another step today? Why even try today? Its one punch after another....
Having Nikkia here was an absolute life saver....for four days and then i'm back down, flat on my face, balling my eyes out. I finally felt like myself for a few days. I didn't have to hide the negativity anymore (although she definintely had to take the brunt of my struggles these past 4 months she took it well) But it also opened up my eyes to how lonely I really am. I had someone to bounce ideas off of, to hang out with, to do things with when i was bored out of my mind and the second she left I was left with that sickening feeling again. Those tears that won't stop. That "WHY GOD WHY?" I feel like I'm just being dragged through this year, being bruised, tossed, beaten, mud covered...with only the promise that .....5 months is still a long time to endure. And its a constant mind battle. I think "oh 5 months no big deal" adn the next second I have physically fallen to my knees, overwhelemed with the amount of time left. Serving is suppose to be hard, but not this hard. I've given all of me till I have nothing left....
I don't even know where I'm going with any of this. I'm just tired... Tired of trying so hard. Tired of late nights, early mornings, fake smiles, empty prayers, lifeless attitude.
A New Year has begun. It's offically 2012 for everyone, not just the islands and there is suppose to be an excitment, a hope in a new beginning but I would have to say that this has been the very worst day of my life. Ask me why? I can't even put my finger on it exactly. Tis a culmination I would assume of four months of intense struggle with no answers. That's a long time to go without any seeminly help or comfort. Its a sickening feeling or maybe thats my empty stomach crying for something. I didn't leave my room until 3pm and that even took everything I had to pull my pathetic body out of bed. All my housemates said the moment they saw me was "wow she's alive!" and of course adding in their laughing giggles. I wanted to scream. Look at me, my swollen eyes, my empty demenor, my slouched shoulders, my downcast eyes, my lifeless body. Why take another step today? Why even try today? Its one punch after another....
Having Nikkia here was an absolute life saver....for four days and then i'm back down, flat on my face, balling my eyes out. I finally felt like myself for a few days. I didn't have to hide the negativity anymore (although she definintely had to take the brunt of my struggles these past 4 months she took it well) But it also opened up my eyes to how lonely I really am. I had someone to bounce ideas off of, to hang out with, to do things with when i was bored out of my mind and the second she left I was left with that sickening feeling again. Those tears that won't stop. That "WHY GOD WHY?" I feel like I'm just being dragged through this year, being bruised, tossed, beaten, mud covered...with only the promise that .....5 months is still a long time to endure. And its a constant mind battle. I think "oh 5 months no big deal" adn the next second I have physically fallen to my knees, overwhelemed with the amount of time left. Serving is suppose to be hard, but not this hard. I've given all of me till I have nothing left....
I don't even know where I'm going with any of this. I'm just tired... Tired of trying so hard. Tired of late nights, early mornings, fake smiles, empty prayers, lifeless attitude.
Monday, December 19, 2011
move on
Woke up with that feeling again. Like someone punched me right in the stomach before going to bed and now i'm waking up with the aftermath and the bruise. It's 2:33am and I yet again cannot sleep. The feeling of lonliness is overwhelming and the thought of waking up to another day like that makes me want to turn off my alarm and shut this world out. If I could come up with one sentence for my time here it's "life isn't fair and this world is full of sin." yes, sounds like a bitter, cynical, athiest speaking but that may be all I get out of my SM year. I am hurt and I am continuing to hurt daily. But its not a cry in vain or a sweep at an empty pitch. It's a cry to God. Its like the isrealites standing at the promised land, looking in but then told to turn around and wander some more in the hot dry dessert. A growing experience for sure. So changed me, yes this year has. So broke me, yes this year has. So created in me a new spirit, yes this year has. Facebook is my bitter enemy and my welcomed copain at the same time. I saw pictures of Pohnpei again....was tagged in a christmas SDA teacher video...why won't the devil let me forget the pain. Instead he reminds me daily of what I've left and where I am. Go ahead. Tell me I'm being immature and that I should MOVE ON. I dare you. Cause so many people have told me that it's a pretty much a given. So did you bother asking ME how I'm doing before giving me some more advice from your comfortable chair in your currently awesome life? I can count on one hand the amount of people who have actually TAKEN THE time (not just in passing, or during your busy schedule penciled me in) to ask or question or stopped to ask how I'm really doing out here.
Everyone has their own struggles. So who helps who if we're all hurting? how do you heal yourself from anger and bitterness, from unfair treatment and rumors started against you while also trying to be something that you're not at the moment? When do things become focused on you....
So you promised me an email? Haven't seen that in days. When I needed you the most you weren't there. I'd be surprised if you're even still reading this.
Everyone has their own struggles. So who helps who if we're all hurting? how do you heal yourself from anger and bitterness, from unfair treatment and rumors started against you while also trying to be something that you're not at the moment? When do things become focused on you....
So you promised me an email? Haven't seen that in days. When I needed you the most you weren't there. I'd be surprised if you're even still reading this.
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